Former Labour MP and family lawyer of 18 years Deborah Schembri has weighed in on the issue of domestic abuse in Malta after a case of domestic murder by strangulation occurred last week, spurring calls for action.

Dr Schembri, who has worked with victims of domestic abuse for over a decade, gave insights into this national epidemic that reared its ugly head again in Maltese society.

“Being a family lawyer for 18 years, dealing with marriage breakdown on a daily basis teaches you some things about domestic violence. I’ve tried to sum up my thoughts in the following. Hope it helps someone in need,” she said in her Facebook post, before listing points in relation to personal relationships, the police force, the courts, and society’s support in general.

1. The signs aren’t always visible

“Domestic violence most of the time does not leave visible signs. It is not always a punch, a bruise, a black eye … but more often an indelible hurt due to being mistreated, shouted at, degraded, underestimated, ridiculed, objectified, ignored, cheated on etc… day in day out, to the point of exasperation.”

2. And men are victims too

“Domestic violence does not just happen to women, although most victims are women. It happens to men too and it does not hurt any less.”

3. Abusers count on their victim’s fear of speaking out

“Perpetrators never think their victims will have the courage to leave or report them to the police and they bank on this to keep their dominant position. Victims need to break this cycle of violence and fear and leave immediately.”

4. And you can forget the situation ever improving

“It never gets better, people don’t change except for the worse. Forget the honeymoon period after each fight, the ‘this-will-never-happen-again-cards’ and the ‘I’m-sorry-flowers’, it doesn’t last, it’s meant to keep you there when you should pluck up courage and leave!”

5. Love is not a one-way street

“It doesn’t matter if you love him/her still… love is not a one way street. If it is not reciprocal it won’t work, procrastination can cost you your sanity or your life.”

6. You need to set an example for your children

“You don’t stay for the children, for the children you LEAVE. Children look up to their parents and they will grow up thinking that love and marriage are negative things and that domestic violence is the norm. Children deserve better, and so do you.”

7. Seek support when you do break the cycle

“Yes, it is not easy to leave, you need a lot of courage and support so reach out to family and friends, professionals who will help you out but do it sooner rather than later.”

8. The police need to bring their A-game when responding to domestic abuse reports

“The police play a mega role in whether a victim reaches out for help … handling these cases requires a certain degree of expertise and empathy… so boys and girls in blue please do your very best to help out. You are most likely the first port of call.”

9. As do the courts

“The Courts, especially the Family Courts, both civil and criminal, need to treat family matters with utmost urgency. Applications for maintenance, care and custody and the like are filed in the middle of a myriad of domestic problems that require immediate attention. I think more can be done on this front to deliver justice to victims.”

10. Abuse is a good enough reason to leave a relationship

“We are told time and again that relationships today are not strong enough, that people up and leave at the first sight of a problem and that marriage is full of sacrifices… ermmm… I can assure you that there is a big difference between leaving ’cause he snores or ’cause she doesn’t make a good plate of pasta to leaving ’cause you are victim of psychological, economical or physical violence. Most people stay on to their detriment trying to fight a lost battle.”

11. “Love shouldn’t hurt”

“If it does you should pack it up, no one will do it for you and if you don’t you might not even be around long enough to regret it. All those who have died in the hands of their perpetrator stayed on too long. Don’t become a statistic!”

What do you think of Deborah Schembri’s points?

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]