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CHUCKY’S SHADE: PN And Malta’s Small Parties Need To Watch Mariah Carey Live If They Ever Hope To Win

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While the connection between an actual global superstar and the very definition of an unelectable party (or parties) may be even even harder to see than Alfred Sant’s legs on PL’s billboards, sometimes inspiration can come from the strangest of places. With this in mind, every individual who lost last weekend’s election should get tickets to see Mariah Carey live in concert. At the very least, the wave of boring old men who led their parties to cataclysmic defeat could use a splash of sequins in their lives.

If you’ve heard me speak for more than five seconds, it won’t surprise you that last Saturday I was belting out (OK, fine – shouting) every lyric to Mariah’s biggest hits at her live show at the Royal Albert Hall. But the most memorable part of the night wasn’t her glass-shattering notes (which were spot on), but her huge smile across her face as she danced (since that’s what Michela’s team now call wiggling) in front of scenes from Glitter, a movie that back in 2001 almost killed her career and ended her life.

Mariah is the comeback queen, and despite a string of public breakdowns, she clawed her way back to the top.

And that’s what so many Maltese parties need to learn to do before PL secure a large enough majority in parliament to alter the constitution without batting an eyelid.

On an island where Joseph Muscat is one ponytail away from becoming Ariana Grande, we need Delia, Cacopardo and whoever is leading PD to stop stripping on TRL and cut to their own Royal Albert Hall performances.

Trying to feel bad for candidates who ran a terrible campaign and lost

The first thing they should all do is understand why people like them

Everything from the concert’s warmup act to the music that played while people walked out of the venue on their post-whistles high screamed 90s RnB. Mariah has been releasing music for just shy of 30 years, and while she’s grown and adapted throughout her career, she ain’t dumb about what makes her such a fan-favourite.

Playing into a sense of pre-millennium nostalgia gets people excited… but the real reason is to remind everyone that she was a pioneer in this field and give herself even more clout in modern circles.

No one knows more about the difficulty of not relying on the success of the 90s more than PN.

If Eddie Fenech Adami is their Always Be My Baby, then the best thing they could do is play the first couple of notes to hear the audience scream with anticipation, sing the first verse and chorus to really get people revved and ready, and once the crowd is invested, cleverly work your way into whatever the political equivalent of GTFO is (although it’s probably also GTFO, because wow our situation is bad).

8,000 votes for a holocaust denier? REALLY?!

Surround yourself with people who make you the best you

Almost every dark period in Mariah’s career can be traced back to having some abysmal publicist trying to squeeze as much money out of the situation as is humanly possible (Stella Bulochnikov I’m looking at you). Well, that or an occasional affinity to pop one-too-many bottles of bubbly. But let’s focus on the PR for now.

If there’s one thing in this slightly out-of-left-field article we can all agree on, it’s that PN, AD and PD’s press is painful to watch.

But it’s not just their public image that’s a problem; internally, these parties don’t really know what they’re doing either. Being surrounded by yes-men (or yes-gays in Mariah’s case) may feel good for a while, but having people tell you “This isn’t ready girl, do not perform it on stage” (like Daniel Moore did on the opening night of Mariah’s residency when she thought it’d be fun to try something new) is way more useful in the long run.

Getting people to blindly pledge their support for the party after a colossal defeat isn’t the way forward. Listening to people you trust and who see your potential but know you need to change is.

Delia @ diehards after reading this article

Have a little fun

If a woman whose ability to move is inversely proportional to the strength of her voice can make the effort and give fans a show by lifting her foot approximately two inches off the ground for a fake kick on a fake arch-nemesis (a real thing that I witnessed with my very eyes), then Maltese politicians can also stop taking themselves so seriously.

The number one reason most people have walked away from the show saying it’s one of her best is because she wasn’t terrified of failing. Just three weeks ago, Mariah Carey delivered an OK but shaky performance at the Billboard Awards because she was being honoured by industry giants and watched by millions. Fast forward to this weekend, and in a theatre surrounded by nothing but love, she let loose and sang notes people thought she lost in 1999.

Not taking yourself too seriously doesn’t mean you don’t respect the position you’re applying for, or that you mock the electorate. It just means not every speech needs to sound like you’re trying to convert people to some weird cult. Not every interview is a chance to repeat party-approved catchphrases. Not every critique by your opponents is a personal attack on your legacy.

Mariah is currently touring the world, and with nothing but time on their hands (it’s not like they’re doing much when it comes to being a strong Opposition), I legitimately recommend all of last night’s losers take a trip to one of her concerts. Apart from brightening an undoubtedly sour mood, it’ll also remind them that if given enough thought, every failure can be turned into a success, and the lowest moments will all be “for the nostalgia, dahling“.

Muscat if the other parties don’t adapt

READ NEXT: CHUCKY’S SHADE: Eurovision Has Reminded Us How Badly Maltese Children Need On-Stage Lessons

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