CHUCKY’S SHADE: This Is The Only X Factor Malta Act That’s Gonna Win The Eurovision

Over the years our nation has convinced itself that we’re Eurovision experts and that we only make emotional mistakes after Pure and Breathless attempts for decades… but the new X Factor Malta has sped up the ‘jaħasra, ħaqqhom jirbħu’ time frame to an unprecedented three-month low.

I’m not sure how many bubbles I’m bursting here, but the reason the X Factor Malta winner is going to represent us at the Eurovision isn’t a masterful plan to finally win the damn thing, it’s a smart workaround to be able to afford the show’s overheads. So if we suddenly see The Voice Malta, chances are the prize will include a stint as Minister for Culture.

While exposure to a large international audience is one hell of a prize, assuming that the winner of X Factor will be what we need to win the Eurovision is like asking Susan Boyle to represent the UK during Brexit negotiations.

As things stand, eight finalists remain with four getting the chop tonight, now that’s a harsher cut than than most of Ira Losco’s necklines.

From an X-Factor-point-of-view there are four contestants who truly all deserve to be in the final and any one of them is good enough to snatch the trophy and own the record deal it comes with. In the spirit of not affecting the outcome too strongly, it’s best if opinions on the X Factor are left to Monday nights. But imagining any one of those four on the Eurovision stage should send most people into Vertigo.

The age of the ballad isn’t necessarily over, but the age of Malta’s version is. Chiara’s big, belted performance worked much in the same way Salvador Sobral’s understated Portuguese number did – it stood out from the crowd.

It’s almost 2020, Australia is a part of the Eurovision at this point. If you’re not doing a clucking beat box and a chicken dance – you’re not doing enough.

“Imagining any one of the four finalists on the Eurovision stage should send most people into Vertigo.”

They say those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, so I really hope that as a collective nation we all forget Mary Shelley’s 1818 classic, and doom ourselves into financial oblivion with a Eurovision win by creating our own Frankenstein’s Monster to zap onto the world’s campiest stage.

Now, before Gianluca Bezzina starts warming up his vocals and scalpels, all participants will get to keep their own limbs.

What we’re proposing is simple, take the two, biggest fan favourites, Michela and Owen, and merge them together… then throw in wildcard bash from an X Factor death, Miriana, and you’re sorted.

If that sounds like an awesome, Maltese remake of the Black Eyed Peas then we’re already halfway there.

Owen and Miriana bring a fire to the stage, and Michela’s timbre will make the whole thing memorable. A smart rap, a good hook, some memorable staging (and a key change cos, of course) and we’re sailing. The three are born for the stage, so let’s send them up together.

We’re not doing anything the X Factor Malta wouldn’t (watching one live episode is enough for Howie to remind you that the number of groups created was higher than Ben Camille’s total air time) … but hopefully our group suggestion will make it past two weeks of public scrutiny.

Now this may piss off some people who are convinced the Maltese decision should be final (with rage erupting from audiences over everything from “shame on you” to the classic Walk On Water switcheroo) – but sometimes a risk is worth the reward.

We can pitch it to the nation as another charitable act to the favourites who got cut. Since we are so attached so quickly, no one will complain their favorite was given a second chance. In the spirit of this, despite not including him in my original lineup, maybe Luke Chappell can help them write the song – he doesn’t fit in vocally, but we know his artistry is good enough to earn him a writing nod.

And let’s just have Ben Camille on stage with them to cheer them on – we owe him some more time on TV anyway.

If you’re still not sold, I’m not sure there’s much I can do to convince you… but this this visual might help you see they already look like winners.