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CHUCKY’S SHADE: If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Gotta Wait 52 Weeks – I’m Donating Blood In 2020

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It’s been two weeks since gay men were told they were only equal in the eyes of our healthcare system if they didn’t have sex for over a year – so if your glittery coworker has crossed off 52 and 51 and looks a little testy, give them a wide berth. Who needs the gym when you can be a Good Samaritan and build some serious muscle in your right hand at the same time?

If anyone manages to abstain from sex for 365 days just to donate blood, the good doctor at the clinic better get used to being called ‘daddy’ as they insert the needle. PR specialists for the scheme should also be aware that if abstinent, role-model gays can’t trade in their thanks-for-your-blood-please-don’t-pass-out-cookie for a handjob, The Salott will be flooded with angry comments typed by some very limp wrists.

Better yet, why not use the cookie afterwards. We’ve all thought about (or actually played, I remember who y’all were back in Secondary) Soggy Biscuit – invite all the other celibate homos to celebrate being ‘normal’ by racing to cum on a cookie.

Too far? Yes. A better plan than the shit rolled out by the Health Ministry? Also yes.

 

We know the government is pretty big on getting its ideas from TV shows – Joseph Muscat has said he loves Money Heist, and there’s definitely been one hit from Castille on that Peppa Pig episode where George opens an offshore account to deposit just €92. So really, it’s not surprising that as Pose (a show about black and Latinx gay and trans individuals from New York) takes center stage on Netflix, the government is suddenly fearful of the AIDS crisis… the one that happened in the 80s and 90s.

While it’s important to note that MSM (men who have sex with men) are statistically still the most likely individuals to be affected by HIV and AIDS, that doesn’t mean that every man you see in a Pufta tee is a Trojan Horse of STIs waiting to take down Mater Dei one transfusion at a time. What about the married gays? The happy couples who’ve spent a lifetime together? Are you too good for their blood? What about the new gay paren- oh wait, if they’re new parents, they’re probably fine under the whole ‘no sex for a year thing’.

But saving lives shouldn’t be just for the monogamous or heteronormative (although it’s a more palateable middle ground for the more conservative reader).

In 2019, with the help of incredible medical breakthroughs like PrEP and PEP (and a whole lot of online sex education) gay men can easily keep on top of their sexual health regardless of how long it’s been since the last Brokeback Aħrax session.

The change in policy was probably created to try and allow a greater number of Maltese citizens to do their part to help others – but that has obviously failed. While I’m not a medical expert, I was chaste for a significant number of years (ironically due to too many sausage rolls) and I can tell you denying anyone sex for over a year is going to make them a lot less functional around other humans. As the old saying goes, anyone who says hell hath no fury like a woman scorned has never see a gay man slightly inconvenienced.

All in all, it seems like the government can no longer rely on society to oppress a palatable (and so totally adorbs) minority group for them to swoop in and save the next time there’s a scandal; so they’ve just cut out the middle man and caused the discrimination themselves.

This time, when there’s another Remote-Island Papers and an ’18’ and ’19 Black’ are dragged to the surface, we can let the gays experience the joy of having their life force literally siphoned out of them by a straight, white man… so nothing new for the community, really.

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