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Everything We Secretly Thought During The Malta Eurovision Song Contest

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Bitching about Eurovision performers is a time-honoured tradition of the contest, but there are some thoughts that are best left unsaid. Well, here are some of the things everyone wished we could have said.

1. “We really need to fire the scriptwriters”

The presentation of songs and the chit-chat in between was bordering on painful to watch. Eurovision is synonymous with awkward banter, but we always seem to take it to new levels.

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2. “And hire someone to work on the show’s flow”

When everyone saw Charlene and mentally (or vocally) uttered YAAAAS at how amazing she looked, none of us were prepared for the opening lines to be: hey, I had cancer.

We’re all inspired by her story, but it needed to be curated better.

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3. “Kevin Borg looks like he needs a good scrub”

And a haircut, and a stylist. Please.

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4. “How can Richard Edwards be both so beautiful, and so creepy”

And the same applies to his song.

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5. “Does no one wear flattering outfits anymore?”

It’s 2017 and everyone should be free to wear what they want – but shouldn’t it look good? It’s not just about size, but also height, build, face shape etc. Although…

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6. “We have a new wave of big divas on the way”

Adele (and Chiara) not giving a fuck about her size and just showing off their talent seems to have paved the way for a younger generation of body-positivity in music, with artists who care more about their musical skills than their dress size.

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Paving the way for body positivity AND amazing head-bobs

7. “Ira’s outfit would have been cool in 2006”

Welcome to the Black Parade?


8. “I didn’t know Mary Spiteri was still… with us”


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BONUS: “These fucking adverts”

People weren’t actually afraid to say this one, but with the ads’ terrible placement, there should be no limit to how many times it’s be repeated.


What other secret thoughts did you have? Vent in the comments on Facebook!

READ NEXT: Things Claudia Faniello Needs To Change To Actually Do Well

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