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GUEST POST: Chris Fearne And Robert Abela, You Are Running For The Easiest Job Ever

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Dear Chris Fearne and Robert Abela,

It seems that you are going to be the main contenders for leadership of the Labour party, and subsequently to lead this country for the next three years at least.

Since party politics and personal ambition (Daddy, daddy I will become PM and show them!) had to take over even at this most devastatingly horrible time, and you had to go for a penis-measuring competition (we could have had a real merry Christmas, thanks for nothing) here are some thoughts you may wish to keep in mind in the coming weeks but most importantly once one of you gets the job.

I have great news for you – you’re in for a breeze! I’m serious! Never in the history of this god-forsaken rock has a Prime Minister had his job so easily laid out for him! So, from the comfort of my desk, I have taken the liberty to list the first five things you have to do in order not to fuck it all up, like immediately.

Deputy Prime Minister Chris Fearne

Deputy Prime Minister Chris Fearne

1. Man-up, and ask for forgiveness. 

First and foremost to Daphne’s family. So far the Government has cocked up at every turn and has handled this case abysmally.  It’s the least you can do. But secondly to all of the rest of us – yes you let us all down.

2. Get rid of that puppet of a Police Commissioner!

Seriously, how is he still there?! Don’t you get it that the police have zero credibility on this case and any other case for that matter? Put someone decent who ideally comes with the blessing of all of Parliament. Make sure the investigations are carried out transparently. (How is Keith Schembri not in prison?)

Once we’re on the subject, get someone completely impartial to decide who gets Presidential pardons or less. I mean, shall we seriously consider giving a pardon to Yorgen Fenech while we’re at it, and see where this coach takes us?

3. Reshuffle

You cannot be too creative here! Chop, chop, chop. You have some good brains on the backbench and some of the front-liners are just weighing you down. I mean what does Joe Mizzi do exactly?

PL MP Robert Abela

PL MP Robert Abela

4. Suspend and investigate anything Konrad Mizzi and Keith Schembri ever touched.

Obviously, all those dodgy contracts, Electrogas, Vitals, the Passport scheme, Air Malta, American University of Malta, the toaster in the Castille kitchen, everything! But by no means, don’t stop there! Knock yourself out, and get into anything else they may have been involved in. Hell, the way things are going, I wouldn’t even be surprised if Manchester Utd’s bad luck had something to do with good old Konrad!

5. Constitutional reform baby!

Finally it all boils down to this.  Yeah it’s been coming longer than the second coming of the Messiah …and Joseph Muscat might have thought himself really clever putting Franco Debono in that driving seat, hence twisting the Opposition’s wrist into never getting it off the ground, and meanwhile doing exactly as he liked – but you might want to take it seriously this time. Put someone who is actually respected by all? Vanni Bonello perhaps?

Bonus – Stop clearing Daphne’s memorial!

Can’t you see how petty and immature it is? Short of Government actually honouring her with a proper monument (yes, she fucking deserves it), at least let the people who loved her remember her that way. It’s the least thing you could do.

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