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GUEST POST: Dealing With The Journey Of Fertility Treatment During COVID-19

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Couples going through fertility treatment may experience a rollercoaster of emotions which may fluctuate from one pole to another; some moments may be filled with hope and courage, while other moments may be characterised by nagging pain, grief, loss, stress, anxiety and helplessness. When reflecting on infertility, it is important to keep the couple in mind.

The toll of going through fertility treatment as a couple is challenging as is, let alone now with new fertility treatments coming to a halt because of COVID-19.

Many fertility clinics worldwide have indefinitely stopped new fertility treatments in the hope of slowing down the pandemic. Despite the best interest of public health and fertility guidelines, one still cannot even begin to imagine the distress that these couples may be experiencing. Infertility may be traumatic. The current context of unpredictability and uncertainty may re-trigger unresolved traumas.

Here are some tips aimed at validating these couples’ feelings and highlighting healthy coping strategies.

Know that your feelings matter

Dear couples, you have every right to feel upset, anxious and frustrated. Despite having devised yet another plan you may feel that life is taking you elsewhere and uncertainty may be overbearing at times.

How you feel matters and despite not knowing when treatments can be resumed, it is fundamental to maintain hope.

Yes, you are allowed to feel the loss and hope simultaneously. Resilient people are those who can be in touch with deep pain and concurrently be able to search for meaning as well as moments of light.

In such a time, we can ask ourselves: “What is making me feel so much in pain?”, “What can I still feel grateful for?”, “How can I feel loved and held?”, “What makes me feel happy in life?” Discussing these questions with loved ones allows us to feel vulnerable with those we trust. Vulnerability takes strength. It is important to work through painful feelings in doses that one can endure.

Engage in self-care activities

When one engages in self-care activities, the aim is not to avoid difficult feelings but to shift our focus for a while to something which may bring us some serenity to be able to cope with the painful emotions. Suppressing emotions will only worsen the situation. Thus, find the time to think of what makes you feel alive; be open to try out new activities online, such as: painting and yoga. As loved ones it is key to support each other in the process.

Be extra gentle and kind to yourself

Think about how you would soothe a loved one when he/she is in pain. You too deserve that same love and care. Take care of your mind and body. Take some time to engage in mindful breathing and give your nervous system an opportunity to calm down. As partners our mission is to discover what it is that helps our partner unwind and to provide her/him with opportunities to do so.

Do not fall into the trap of mutual blaming

Blaming one another will only lead to increased complications and deeper hurts. Thus, acknowledging the negative cycle and taking the time to calm down before talking is crucial. Conflict can bring couples closer if the focus remains on the relationship’s wellbeing.

Fertility is a couple thing and it is unhelpful for the relationship to put the responsibility on one partner. This is the time to work on your camaraderie.

Accept that your partner may respond differently to infertility, loss and uncertainty

It is normal for partners to experience and cope with feelings differently. Couple intimacy may be affected due to the increased pressure to conceive. Some partners may withdraw to cope with pain, while others may become anxious and seek closeness. As partners it is key to discover what your pattern of interaction is like. This may help you to understand each other’s moves and to try out different patterns which may be more satisfying.

Letting each other know what you need in such unstable moments is fundamental. Re-kindling your intimate connection and finding the true meaning behind it may be crucial.

Talk about upcoming fertility treatments, even if they are currently on hold

With COVID-19, you may have more time to reflect and educate yourself about available what fertility treatment options and what you are ready and not ready to go through as a couple.

Having various fertility support options gives you the possibility to choose which one, if any, works best for you. You have the power to decide together as a couple and live through your decision by supporting one another should the treatment be successful or unsuccessful.

What can you do to understand each other more and what you would wish from one another to feel more contained?

Lastly, reach out for support if you need it

Teletherapy and virtual support groups may be helpful. Therapeutic support may help couples become stronger even if it means having to come to terms with: upcoming fertility treatments, adoption, fostering, or decision to be child-free amongst other options.

Being in securely attached relationships helps individuals live a more fulfilling life. Never doubt your worth! You are not a failure and you have nothing less than other couples. You are brave and you are a survivor. Dreams also have the possibility to change and to show us various paths we may have never knew existed before.

Keep in mind that the COVID-19 pandemic will pass and even if your family plans are on hold, you  you can still invest this time in yourself, your relationship intimacy and talk about future plans.

Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist, emphasises the importance of finding meaning in our suffering and maintaining hope: “What is to give light, must endure burning.”

Charlene Aquilina is a Clinical Psychologist and Family Therapist

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Sam is a journalist, artist and writer based in Malta. Send her pictures of hands or need-to-know stories on politics or art on [email protected].

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