GUEST POST: How To Get Closure For Your Loved Ones If You Can’t Attend Their Funeral
For thousands of years, funerals have been ways of expressing our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. A funeral is considered a ritual we partake in to honour the dead. Unfortunately, because of the pandemic in some countries, including Malta, grieving family members do not get to experience the usual rituals of a funeral.
In fact, most people do not even get to be present during the burial because a very small number of people are allowed due to social distancing restrictions.
Recently, my husband’s grandfather passed away. It was not COVID related so luckily he was given the option to die peacefully at home with his wife by his side. One of the biggest disappointments his wife, together with his children and grandchildren, faced was not being able to bid him farewell with a mass for the funeral.
There was a loss on many levels, including the inability to take part in rituals which to some extent help with closure and healing.
In my husband’s case, because only five people were allowed at the cemetery, this meant that not everyone could be present and therefore there was no ritual or closure for people who did not attend.
As we have seen recently in the media, there are times in which even very close family members cannot attend burials due to being in quarantine themselves. This may put a lot of psychological pressure on family members who may feel desperate to do whatever it takes to be present in the final part of their loved one’s journey, especially if they were not able to be present when they died.
Literature shows that whilst a funeral can be a sad affair, it also helps to bring families together, to bid one final farewell to the person who died. It allows for concreteness and in essence starts the difficult healing process.
When people are unable to attend funerals it brings about a potential lack of closure for the grieving person. When someone dies we look to each other for comfort, not only emotionally, but also physically. Grief is often expressed by human touch for comfort such as hugs, which is not possible at the moment between members of different households.
Getting closure is vital in the grieving process. Below are a few things you can do to help you gain closure and start to heal
Take part in a ritual you can do
This may be lighting a candle next to a photo of the person who has died, writing a letter to the deceased, and burying it somewhere, planting a tree or a plant in their honour.
Something that also helps at times is finding a place you shared a memory with that person or a place they liked and saying your goodbyes there. Your closure does not have to be in the cemetery.
Continuing the bond
Research shows that people who carry on some form of a bond with the deceased fair better than those who do not.
For example, a study by Worden and Silveman (1996) showed that overall children who spoke to a deceased parent seemed to be better adjusted than those who did not. Sometimes creating a form of memory box can help keep the connection alive.
You can place photos, letters, something you have of theirs that means something to you, anything and return to this box whenever you wish to feel a connection to the person that has died.
Organise a back-dated celebration of life
The pandemic will not last forever. When it is deemed safe to do so you may want to consider organising a get together with family and/or close friends of the person who has passed to celebrate his/her life.
Whether that would be having a mass in his/her name or a get together over food where you can swap memories. A nice idea would be to cook the person’s favourite meal or meet in a favourite place he/she had.
Grief is never an easy thing to experience, it is the last expression of love we have towards the person that has died.
We are living in unprecedented times and there is no right or wrong way to feel. It is also a time in which we all need to adapt. Having support is key however feeling as though you have some control over how you can still get some form of closure is very important.
In my practice, I have often done this type of work with children who could or were not allowed to attend funerals and therefore lacked closure. There is something very peaceful about being able to give closure to someone and witness the change he/she experiences.
Dr. Stephanie Borg Bartolo is a Counselling Psychologist
Lovin Malta is open to external contributions that are well written and thought provoking. If you would like your commentary to be featured as a guest post, please write to [email protected], add Guest Post in the subject line and attach a profile photo for us to use near your byline
READ NEXT: GUEST POST: How COVID-19 Will Impact Commercial Real Estate In Malta
