GUEST POST: Maltese Psychologist’s Advice On How To Cope With Pregnancy In These Troubling Times
The pregnancy journey is an emotional and unique phase in a woman’s life. Pregnancy brings about a lot of physical and emotional changes which require a lot of adaptation as well as personal growth. Although pregnancy is mostly depicted as one of the most beautiful phases in a couple’s path, it is not always the case and it is very normal for the woman (and the couple) to experience multiple challenges.
The COVID-19 pandemic is impacting on the entire journey of pregnancy and motherhood. Thus, it may be helpful to reflect more about the feelings it is bringing about in mothers and couples.
This article will also address some positive coping strategies which mothers and partners can adopt for a healthier pregnancy as well as for the foundations of a secure attachment with baby.
The first step is to accept the emotions you feel
Women who are pregnant in the context of COVID-19, may be experiencing feelings of anxiety, fear, uncertainty and sadness amongst others. These women may be faced with grief coming from the loss of their expectations about how they wished to live their pregnancy period. Feeling powerless and sorrow is surely a normal feeling given the unprecedented context we find ourselves in. It is important to reflect, name and acknowledge our feelings as they play a crucial role in our wellbeing.
These feelings, no matter how painful, cannot be avoided. It is only once we validate them and live through them that we can also manage to contain them. So the question might be: “What can I do with my feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed?” Well, there is not one magical answer to that which would fit in with all mothers and partners. However, below please find some tips which support good mental health.
Communication is key
Communicate with your partner and loved ones about how you are feeling- mothers’ mental and motional health is as important as their physical health. The way we feel mentally will impact on how we feel in our bodies and vice versa. Thus, just as it is vital to exercise and take care of our body when pregnant, it is also fundamental to express our feelings in a safe manner.
Communication can be done in a face to face way (live or virtual) and through other ways such as letters and messages. One must not underestimate the power of writing as it is a healthy way of self-expression and connection. It is very healing for these mothers to feel: validated, accepted and not alone. Loved ones also need to be supported to listen carefully and not rush to find a solution for these feelings. Being with the mother and holding the emotions with her is very therapeutic. Communication and connection are intertwined.
Use virtual means of communication to be as present as possible with family and friends- COVID-19 has unfortunately taken away the freedom to be physically present with our family and friends. Yet, mothers can still nurture close relationships through Facetime on mobile, laptops and other devices.
Setting up dates and times for virtual dates may help them to feel more seen. Solo ultrasound appointments may bring feelings of sadness and anxiety. Try to think of what may help you feel calmer in that situation; asking the obstetrician to record the ultrasound and take photos may help for your partner and families to feel more involved.
Embrace the nesting phenomenon
Dedicate time to foster the foundation for a secure attachment with you baby while still in the womb- this can be done by talking to your baby and even singing songs. The baby is already familiarising himself/herself with the parents’ voice and hearing it provides a source of comfort.
Touching your belly and having your partner touch your belly may foster a positive attachment. Tapping your belly when the baby kicks may also be a means of communication with your baby to let him/her know you are there!
Mothers and families may choose to use the extra time on their hands purposefully- the nesting phenomenon is well known in the pregnancy world. With COVID-19, mothers have a lot of time on their hands to dedicate to nesting and preparing their home as well as heart to welcoming the baby.
Preparations
This is the time to make a list and organise one’s hospital as well as nursery items amongst others. Cooking and freezing food items may also help you to be more prepared as once the baby arrives it is expected that the couple feels more tired. Making lists and feeling organised may help mothers regain a sense of control despite the ever-changing context we are in. Apart from nesting, this might also be a good time to emotionally express the meaning of our relationships; writing individual appreciation letters to family members or doing photo collages of special memories together may help relationships to get closer and thrive. Positive surprises are still possible; little gestures can go along way!
Hold a virtual gender reveal and/or baby shower and take many photos- this might certainly not have been the way you envisaged to live your pregnancy. It is completely valid to feel disappointed and at a loss, nonetheless, you can still decide to try to be creative and to celebrate the various pregnancy phases with loved ones. Dressing up and decorating the room may also help you feel more festive. The underlying aim of such parties is to express gratitude, excitement and joy on the baby’s coming into the world as well as to support the mother and partner in the process. Being pregnant is no easy feat!
Take the time to reflect
Discuss with your partner about your parenting values- becoming a parent is a beautiful gift which requires a lot of patience and growth. Use the time together to ask yourselves about what type of parents you would like to be; how would you like to be similar or different to your own parents and how come? Such reflection will help partners to feel more emotionally attuned and prepared for the baby’s arrival. Remind yourselves that it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed with all the changes you are going through. Also hold on to hope and commit to facing the waves together.
The waters will calm down eventually and you will also become very skilled surfers in the process.
Write letters to your baby- though your baby is still inside of you, you and your partner can still decide to write letters to him/her about how it feels to be pregnant. You can reflect about your dreams and wishes for the baby. You can also think about what the positive qualities you have which may help you to be a good enough mother and father.
Practice good self care
Try to practice some mindfulness exercises- mindfulness has been linked with many benefits, including the increased feeling of calmness. There are many free resources online which mothers may practice daily to support them in accepting what is and letting go of what is not.
Mindfulness helps us to live our present moments fully and to become more aware of our judgments and the role of societal expectations. It helps individuals to pay more attention to various types of stimulation and senses. Being mindful may support the mother to feel more relaxed and transmit a feeling of calmness to her baby while still in the womb. Gentle exercises and healthy eating as well as sleeping habits are also helpful.
Spend time with pets- this can be therapeutic as they are non-judgmental beings which bring about comfort and acceptance. Pets can help individuals feel more grounded and live more in the present moment.
My message to mothers and partners out there is: do not allow Covid-19 to take more than it is already taking from you. Your pregnancy is a miraculous and special time, which cannot be bought back in any way. Although being pregnancy during this pandemic is challenging, it can also be something that helps to remind us of the importance of gratitude, love and safety.
You are all doing the best you can; trust the process and the healthcare providers.
Finally, keep in mind that help is available. It is brave to reach out for therapeutic support and this needs to be further encouraged. The emotional dynamics as parents, even while pregnant, may still impact on the baby’s wellbeing. Hence, taking care of your wellbeing will ultimately be a positive investment for your baby. Be kind to yourself and your journey- growing little humans is hard work!
Charlene Aquilina is a clinical psychologist and systemic family therapist.
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