6 Reasons Why Killer Clowns Would Never Work In Malta

You can stop worrying and rest easy!

Cover Clowns

2016 was a pretty weird year. First, we spent the first half hearing about childhood idols dying off one by one. And now, all around the world reported sightings of people dressed up as clowns ominously standing around in the middle of parks and roads have cropped up. The sightings have stopped being restricted to USA only and have started going global

With that in mind, here's a list of reasons why you definitely don't have to worry about Killer Clowns ever successfully making it to Maltese shores:

1. Mask or no mask, everyone's instantly recognisable 

Everybody Knows Nobody Cares

So what if you put on the freakiest mask in the world, some coloured pants and a couple of balloons tied to your belt? You think we're not going to recognise you, Joe? No matter how unpopular you think you are, you can't have a photo of yourself on national news and expect to not be recognised by at least a couple of hundred people.

2. Undercover police officers at Mecca would solve everything


Sure, people can buy their costume online, but various shops around the world have stopped selling clown costumes ahead of Halloween, so your best bet is still St Paul's Bay's Mecca. Being one of the only big costume shops on the island, all we'd really need is one undercover police officer behind the cash register, and boom - we instantly know the identity of each and every aspiring Killer Clown in the country!

3. Traffic means you're never really alone

Traffic Forever

The creepiest thing about all the sightings has been that they've all followed the same pattern - a guy driving along a dark and empty road, when his headlights suddenly catch a lone clown in the middle of the road just ominously staring back. Now imagine if you're stuck in traffic for about half an hour in the same stretch of road along with a dozen other irritated drivers, and everyone slowly pulls up to this one guy dressed up as a clown who's just staring back at them from the pavement? Not as scary is it?

4. Clown Hunters would efficiently solve the problem

Redneck Thumbs Up

We're pretty sure that the only thing scarier than a guy dressed up as a clown would be the pickup truck with three guys holding hunting rifles chasing him down.

5. Killer Clowns wouldn't have anywhere to loiter 

Heisenberg Territory

Ok, so Buskett would actually be a pretty creepy place to stumble upon a Killer Clown, but let's face it - no one just randomly goes to Buskett at three in the morning in winter. So their best chance of being spotted would probably be to go to the local playground of every village... where they'll quickly meet a group of locals circling around in their pimped out cars. And how long do you think that'll last?

6. Killer Clowns won't be that scary when we finally catch on in 2020

2000 And Late

Considering we're always a couple of years late to every possible party or trend, that's when we should expect clowns anyway! And by then, they'll be old news and everyone would just laugh at them.

What would you do if you came face to face with one of them in Malta? Tell us in the comments and tag someone who would be terrified!

READ NEXT: Why Young Maltese People Are Still Scared Of Ghosts

Written By

David Grech Urpani

Sarcastically ironic, Dave is a recovering hipster musician with a penchant for chicken, women's clothes and Kanye.