Escape rooms are in a nutshell, physical adventure games in which players are voluntarily ‘locked’ in a room of their choice where they must work together to solve a chain of puzzles in order to escape before the hour is up. Knowing the importance of having a strong team in order to get out, here are a few Maltese people you probably would not want to form part of your escape room group, for different reasons.
1. Norman Lowell
We don’t have an answer to why you’d pick Norman to be on your team. What we do know is that he’d speak to you in a multitude of languages, making an already-difficult situation even more challenging, or at best, make himself sound like he’s casting spells at Hogwarts.
‘Bet this ċavetta will abierta la porta! Alohomora!’
2. Joseph Calleja
You’d exchange a few awkward pleasantries about the world of opera and falsettos and then get cracking. When you finally do manage to get to the next room, Joseph Calleja would suddenly belt out a…
… making you jump out of your skin.
‘Nirrak tixxawwat kif ħassartni Ġuż.’
3. Emmy Bezzina
The fun-factor of escape rooms wouldn’t last long if teamed up with this one. The overwhelming anxiety of making a mistake would overshadow the excitement of rummaging through an unknown room and trying to get out. You would probably get barked at for every mistake you make and not know how to respond appropriately.
4. Daphne Caruana Galizia
You’d probably pick her on your team for her sharpness. And although DCG’s vast vocabulary is pretty impressive, needing a thesaurus to understand what she is trying to tell you may eat up a lot of that precious time.
‘I have an inkling that that cantankerous-looking mannequin is pivotal in our absconding from this darn room.’
(A hypothetical) DCG
Stellina – known for her skiing holidays in Livigno – would bring her enthusiasm and sense of adventure, but would you be able to keep up with her energy or would you be left feeling like a useless, babbling idiot in a corner? How long would it take for her to drive you up the wall rather than out of the room?
6. Gordon Manché
The only ‘out’ you would get with Gordon as your teammate is ‘creeped the F out’. Reciting Bible passages would probably not help much in getting you one step closer to escaping, either.
‘As can be read in the Philippians, I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.’
(A hypothetical) Gordon Manché
7. Anyone in this MaltaSajf clip
Whether or not marijuana is legalised, these guys would not hold back. No, they’d turn up daħna. And when you’ve got just an hour to solve mind-bloggling puzzles in order to get out, our bet is that any of these would serve more as a hindrance than anything else.