Making friends with a Maltese person is just like falling over: it’s really easy to do, even accidentally.
But there are certain things you can do to really make a good impression on a Maltese person. More than your knowledge or personality, certain acts can get you in the good graces of the Maltese more than any hilarious tale you might think you have.
Here are seven of those things.
1. Stand in a queue
One of the easiest ways to make friends with someone is to stand in a queue with them. After about a minute of standing in the queue, huff a bit like you are slightly annoyed, and look at someone near you with a “Am I right or what?” look – they should bite, and start complaining about their lower back pain.
You are on the path to Maltese BFF-ship already.
2. Know how to cook rabbit
Even if the other person doesn’t like rabbit or is a vegetarian, they will know you are a real one.
Make sure you explain that the best way to cook rabbit is over spaghetti – they’ll know you are legit then, and begin to consider you as someone who is reliable, forthcoming, and intelligent.
3. Be politically affiliated
Even if you don’t care about politics, saying you do will score you brownie points in the land of the eternally high voter turnout rate. Even if you say you are from the opposite political party, they will still respect you as an intellectual of the highest order, unless there is an election coming up, in which case they will consider you their mortal enemy.
Just don’t say you voted for any of the smaller parties. You will be laughed at, shunned, and sent to Marsa to water the lettuce.
4. Be from a town
There are few simpler ways of making a good impression than by saying what town you are from. However, a lot of towns can also have negative reactions to certain demographics, so the safest thing to do is just say “I’m from Mosta”.
Everybody likes Mosta.
5. Be from a family
Having a family in Malta is your ultimate trump card: when the going gets tough, a simple ‘I think my second cousin Redeemer knows your cousin Frank who knows ziju Mikiel who went out with Fredu’s sister-in-law…you know Fredu right?” does wonders.
6. Give a surprise gift
At first, Maltese people will be very skeptical of the gift, assuming it is a prank or a “candied camera”.
However, when they realise you are actually giving them a real gift for no other reason than that you actually like them as people, they will love you forever and be as loyal as Edward Zammit Lewis is to the Prime Minister.
7. Always be up for a celebration
One thing Maltese people love to do is celebrate. It’s why so much cocaine gets bought up around the festas and why every NYE tons of people get arrested for pills: Maltese people like to party.
All you need to do to start a party in Malta is buy two packs of frozen pastizzi and those little circle pizzas, get some wine mixed with Sprite, and say someone got baptised/is going to another country for 9 months/got a new job/literally just felt good today and boom, it’s practically Studio 54 in your living room.