Bachelor parties: a remnant of a bygone era where a man’s general standing among his peers was equal to how much of a fuckwit he could be while drunk AF.
Expectations for the party to pretty much be The Hangover 4: Malta Edition are through the roof, and everyone is channelling their inner Mosta cat-killer and trying to come up with terrible, terrible things to do għax hekk bro nofs siegħa buzz, le le?
And then there are the strippers. Oh, the poor strippers.
Throughout the party, all types of energetic attempts will be made to make the groom, who is willing and ready to dedicate his life to his beloved the very next day, ruin the trust he took years to build in one fell swoop… because it’s funny? Ma nafx.
As it has become apparent that Maltese men can’t seem to celebrate the sweet matrimony of a man and woman without someone getting humiliated, some laws getting broken, and just generally being pieces of shit, we’ve come up with an easy list of things you can do at a bachelor’s party without harming any third parties.t
No one wants you to, but, if you must, here are seven things you can do at a bachelor party that don’t involve you violently pelting a woman with eggs.
Pictured above: the mating call of an alpha bachelor
1. Set the groom’s hair on fire
Obviously, any damage done by the bachelor party should remain directly within the bachelor party.
If the groom isn’t having it, just grab whoever actually came up with the idea to have a party – he’s the actual bad guy here.
Kinda like this, but on purpose.
2. Get the groom drunk and leave him in front of his future in-laws
If you are a proper mad lad and into this kind of shit, you can always go for the ancient, renowned, tried-and-tested technique of “getting-the-bro-wasted-and-leaving-him-somewhere-funny-lol”.
If you want to make it one to remember, leave him outside his parents-in-law’s house. The marriage might get cancelled, and you’ll definitely be remembered forever.
Pictured above: You.
3. Paint the groom the colour of a wall… and leave them stuck to said wall
Have you ever been 15 years old? No? Well, now’s your chance.
4. Tie the groom up naked and lock him in a lift
Apologies to the people trying to enter that lift and get to work on a Sunday morning.
“Don’t worry sieħbi, it’s just a social experiment!”
5. Turn the groom into a scarecrow
Find a quiet field (good luck), get some hay, stuff it into the groom’s clothes, and crucify him like a Maltese rent-a-Jesus.
It’ll be hilarious, honestly.
Literally every bachelor at the party.
6. Tie the groom to a lamp post
He can be drunk, nude, or stuffed with hay. And honestly, it doesn’t even need to be a lamp post.
What’s important is that you show the groom how much you respect him by humiliating him and tarnishing his reputation for the rest of his life.
You said it, oħt.
BONUS: A nice sit-down meal with your fiancée’s parents
You’re about to embark on a decades-long journey with the love of your life, fathering children, making foundations for your future, and creating the strongest bonds in your life.
Maybe treat the day with the respect and reverence it deserves? Or maybe… throw eggs with some minors at a woman in a dark alleyway as she cries out.
Hard decisions, eh.