Have you ever found yourself arriving to work with your heart pumping to the beat of a death metal song as your life flashes before your eyes? If not, you’ve clearly never had to commute to work or school without the luxury of a car which you can park 34 seconds away from the front door.
And let’s be honest; Malta sure doesn’t make things any easier.
For those of you who have experienced the joy of almost dying on your way to work, you might enjoy this list of seven things that can and probably have brought you closer to premature death than you probably intended on.
OK, so I know I said this wasn’t for people with cars, but driving in Malta is dangerous. You have to deal with potholes, closed roads and morons who deserve the Darwin Award for Evolutionary Failure.
Also, if you’re a pedestrian on a road with no pavements, good luck. You’ll need it.
In what is becoming a running theme for my lists, the weather once again makes an appearance as the harbinger of chaos. Whether it’s a skin burning kind of summer day or one that’s windier than Adele’s Hello video, we all wish the weather would just chill sometimes. Especially in summer (ba-dum-tsss).
3. Meeting someone
Picture this. It’s 8am, you’re running late and suddenly, you hear your name called from across the street. You turn and, walking towards you with vigour and purpose, is an old friend that you don’t feel like talking to.
But it’s too late now; you’ve stopped and they’re too close. So you give in and follow the motions of “Hi, how are you, it’s been so long” while you’re secretly searching for any way to escape to the beautiful solitude of your headphones.
Do you need CPR after that? I apologise.
Whether this is waiting for buses, waiting in traffic or waiting for that asshole neighbour of yours to move his damn car out of your drive after you specifically asked him to not park there a thousand times, you’re probably going to be waiting an egregious amount of time.
5. Building collapse
This is a very hot topic at the moment, so I’m just gonna back away before the internet drags me to hell and back. But hey, where’s the lie?
Is it safe yet? Good, because it’s time to rant about the stupidly high quantity of dust that settles in every nook and cranny of our island. Wonder what effect that will have on our lungs in the future?
Before you all get upset again, hear me out. As an 18-year-old man with bright red nails, I get a little uneasy when someone (especially a man) makes a comment or passes a look at me. And if they happen to get off at the same bus stop as I do, I keep one eye over my shoulder at all times. God I hope this point isn’t relatable!
BONUS: A tree branch falling on your head
Oh wait, this isn’t an issue anymore, because the higher powers are uprooting all our trees to make way for wider roads. Now all we need to worry about is the massive amounts of pollution that will be created and the fact that we could all die of black lung while complaining about the traffic build-up. Isn’t that great?