8 Reasons Why Bird Box Just Wouldn't Work In Malta

And it's not just because we don't have many birds

Screenshot 2019 01 09 At 16 55 37

Netflix's new special (no, not Bandersnatch) has probably been cropping up all over your feed, be it in withering statuses about how Bird Box is not the best movie ever, or as your latest FOMO trigger.

But beyond the movie's curveball plot, any viewer watching the film from the Mediterranean probably had just one single train of thought throughout the film: this just couldn't happen in Malta.

Needless to say: SPOILERS AHEAD

1. No one would even notice the onset of chaos

When people drive like they do in Malta, would you even realise that everyone around you has lost the plot?

2. And when they do realise people are losing their minds, most people won't even be mad

Finally, less people and no traffic.

3. Your neighbour will probably let you in...

But only to show you their salott.

Remember not to sit down on any of the plastic-covered furniture, they've been in mint condition since before Mintoff was out here fighting with the church.

"Don't sit on the sufan!"

4. It will be literally impossible to avoid the outside sun

The Maltese sun has the uncanny ability to make its way through every single crevice and crack in your house.

You will see, and it will be beautiful.

Pictured above: that guy on your feed who religiously posts #CantWaitForSummer

5. You won't be able to tell the difference between dead bodies and potholes when you drive blind using GPS

I guess that's a good thing?

Pictured above: Dead bodies, or Triq tal-Barrani?

6. The chaos will be framed as a government plot spearheaded by Joseph Muscat

Is it a virus behind people acting crazy? Is it the wind?

No, it's just the marketing arm of the Maltese Labour Party, obvs. #TortTalLejber

"Smash like and subscribe for more L-Aqwa Żmien news"

7. The infamous white rapids of Msida only come about once a year

You’d need to wait to Febraury to make your break for it.

Pictured above: Literally Msida when it rains

8. And of course, you’d never actually find the sanctuary

You need to have birds to find a bird box, right?

Tag someone who's watched Bird Box... and someone who knows the above struggles all too well!

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Written By

Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is interested in the weird, dark, and wonderful contradictions our late-capitalist society forces upon us. He also likes music and food. Contact him at [email protected]