‘Tis the season to rewatch all our favourite Christmassy flicks… but with no snow anywhere and the COVID-19 pandemic putting an end to boozy lunches, the whole thing has got us thinking: where the festive hell is Malta??
We’ve decided to do something about it this year, and we’re rethinking all our favourite classic Christmas films to have a Maltese twist added in. Or jammed in. Whatever works, honestly.
So without further ado, here are eight classic Christmas flicks… a’ la Maltaise.
1. Kevin would never really be Home Alone
An eight-year-old, being left completely home alone in Malta, for three whole days? Hah, good luck.
If Kevin’s entire family really had to all go abroad at the same time, there’s still going to be a distant cousin, an overly-concerned family friend or a nosy neighbour to check up on him living mere minutes away.
Because even spying on someone’s house can have an indirect positive effect during Christmastime.
2. The Polar Express would be the shortest trip in history
Valletta to Rabat, via Birkirkara, on a magical train. Welcome to a 30-second film featuring Tom Hanks shouting “Move bakk plijs”.
3. Love Actually would be one very weird film
You want to see confusing love triangles and weird coincidences?
Try living in an island that’s just 27 kilometres long… and good luck falling for someone who isn’t your cousin.
Besides, we already know what that emotional “To me you are perfect” scene looks like. We’ve all been through a whole lot this year, let’s please not go there again.
4. Elf would feature trolls instead of elves
A festive cautionary tale on the dangers of partisan politics, Erbħgin Elf follows the story of a group of trolls for whom red, green and blue are way more than just colours.
Fun for the whole family, the film would still hold a very important lesson for the little ones, but it’s got less to do about the true spirit of Christmas and more to do about how stupid it is to rabidly support fallible human beings with a whole lot of power.
5. Jack Skellington’s Christmas tree from A Night Before Christmas would… probably look very similar
Whether or not you think Tim Burton’s 1993 classic is a Christmas or a Halloween flick, one thing’s for sure: his attempt at recreating a festive tree is weak AF.
But what do you expect? Not much beautiful greenery is allowed to grow and flourish in Halloween Town.
Sounds familiar? #GettingTreesDone
6. Finding a dream house you can afford would be a miracle on any street
Miracle On 34th Street ends with Susan, Dorey and Bryan driving out to their dream house straight from the catalogues. After a hefty bonus from work given to Dorey, they can finally afford the glorious house.
Now can you imagine a bonus big enough for anyone to afford any sort of dream house anywhere in Malta?
Keep imagining, I’ll be here all day.
7. Scrooge would be visited by all three ghosts… but he’d quickly tell them to go back to their country
Take that, Ghost Of Min Iż-Żikk Qallek Biex Tiġi Hawn.