Lawyers and architects, two of the most respected professions in Malta. Nothing makes a nanna prouder than knowing her grandchild will follow in the steps of il-Perit or Eddie.

However, their professional reputation has taken a hit following the recent water-filled skirmish at the University of Malta involving members of SACES and ELSA – ie, the future architects and the lawyers of our fair island.

The most recent game of wet fisticuffs showed not just class and poise, but an appreciation for Medieval battle techniques as well as modern MMA chokeholds.

As the traditional battle becomes more and more entrenched within the culture of the University of Malta, Lovin Malta couldn’t help but wonder where this could be heading in the future…

It’s the year 2047, and Malta is a barren wasteland. Desert 41 is the official classification of this drought-filled landmass. There is little life on the island, yet, come October, two troupes of madmen descend upon what used to be the highest educative institution of the land.

They used to fight with water. Now, they fight for the only water left on the island – each other’s blood. 

The two sides draw their big weapons.

The architects pull up their modern trebuchet. It is made out of recycled wood of course, with has some innovative aerodynamic adjustments.

The lawyers summon the ghost of Franco Debono as both their defense and offense.
Franco Debono’s ghost is summoned through a standard court summons.

Franco cannot bear to ignore protocol, even in the afterlife.

As we definitely head towards this scenario, it will be essential to know the strengths of the two sides. Otherwise, how will you know who to pledge their allegiance to? Let’s weigh it out.

Lawyers

Strengths:

• Can read well
• Each lawyer knows someone specific in the government
• Can speak some Latin
• Are adept at psychological warfare, word twisting and confusing their opponents
• Have access to officials, corrupt and otherwise
• Can actually sue
• Have very little morals or ethics
• Daddy is well connected

Weaknesses:

• Muscles are actually made out of hot air
• Clothes are too expensive to bear fighting in them
• Cocaine
• Prostitutes
• A better lawyer

Architects

Strengths:

• Can use tools
• Are generally taller and thus have a further reach
• Have friends they can trust
• Can think outside the box, or even redesign the box, for protective needs
• Have a higher level of physical endurance due to spending some time outside 
• Good hand-eye coordination and spatial intelligence
• Daddy is well connected

Weaknesses:

• While taller, still relatively weak
• Struggles to communicate with laymen
• Loud bangs shock them
• Easily tripped over
• LSD

At least Martin Luther King Jr got some civil rights outta his firehosing

Could the architects design their way out of harm’s reach? Or could the lawyers order everyone to cease and desist before any intentional bodily harm is generated? 

To be honest, the lawyers would probably win, they are sneaky like that. But I think the world would prefer if the architects won: they are just as snooty, but at least they sometimes make nice things.

Next year, come October, we will see the cream of the crop, the hope of Malta’s intelligentsia, tackle each other and make each other wet. Time will only tell where this will lead or just how far into desertification they will bring us to satiate their pride and bloodlust.

Just in case you can’t wait till next year, there’s always tomorrow’s violent brawl to tide you over. 

Who do you think would win in a deathmatch between lawyers and architects? What other deathmatches would you like to see? Let us know in the comments below.

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]