Maltese Jobs In Jeopardy In 2017
With the start of 2017, besides the hundreds of comments on RUBS about how the waiter didn't give out foot massages at 23.56 on New Year's Eve, we welcome a few changes to our laws.
An article on Times of Malta succinctly lays out the law (literally), and what happened next was that, as Malta's leading agony aunt, we received a flood of panicked messages from people whose very livelihood is threatened by these new laws.
And, being the sympathetic chaps we are, we've decided to air the grievances of these poor folks so that you, the public, can empathise with their suffering.
Godwin Manfre - IT solutions technician
Godwin is troubled that the new legislation is going to obliterate a huge chunk of his business.
"We get tons of requests from worried parents, asking for files to be converted from .gay to .str8 format. Whereas before, we'd simply use the Reverse Off-Glove program and convert these files quickly and relatively painlessly, we are now being forced to refuse a lot of business. Our offices have opened a helpline to aid customers in this transition. Calls are charged at a nominal fee of half your yearly earnings per call."
The Revengerer - distributor of artisan revenge porn
The Revengerer, who spoke to us on condition of complete anonymity, complained that the new laws outlawing revenge porn would ruin him. Calling us from his office in Cyprus, Revengerer bemoaned the good old days when quality revenge porn was his bread and butter. "We'd film people in their most private moments and then mail the videos out to all interested parties as a promo. We'd never actually include the person being filmed in the mailing list though. We have our ethics. After all, what you don't know can't hurt you."
Labelling his product as "organised, organic and orgasmic", The Revengerer worries that the new laws will lead to the normalisation of "vanilla" pornography, where consensual sex is knowingly filmed and distributed with the performers being fairly remunerated. "The world our children will grow up in is a dark and disturbing place." This was his last comment as he hung up, presumably to resume tying up loose ends, and God knows what else.
Russell Falcone - CEO of Raptor Dashcams Ltd
Russell feels his company has been shafted by the new law making it obligatory to carry your falcon hooded and within a travel box when being transported in a vehicle.
"Our dashcams are specifically designed to be worn on the forehead of birds of prey as they hop around moving cars. Our most lucrative product, the Peregrine 500, made to be strapped onto falcons and providing a bird's eye view of the roads ahead, has been effectively rendered against the law. Also, we worry about the well-being of these birds. Being confined this way may lead to motion sickness, and what we definitely don't want are any ill eagle situations."
Dr Tina Neeves - Paediatric respiratory doctor
Dr Neeves complained to Lovin Malta that the new measures will drastically decrease her workload. "My client base is mainly children whose parents don't actually care much about their kids' health. They bring them to me once they're too breathless to pop down to the shops to buy their cigarettes.
With the law prohibiting smoking in cars when children are present, I expect the number of asthmatic children to decrease. This is an unfair measure which doesn't take into account the livelihood of people like me!"
Philip S. Thake - Exotic meats butcher
Mr Thake is annoyed at the law which prohibits horses from using the roads during rush hours. "Where am I going to get my horse meat from now?" he lamented to Lovin Malta.
"My main line of RoadKill Fine Cuts will have to be discontinued! Even if I do find horses fit for human consumption, I will have to go through the hassle of slaughtering them in a humane fashion, whereas the bonnet of a Daihatsu would do the job perfectly!"
His brother, who works as a panel beater and was present throughout the interview, also nodded in dismay.
Dee Ferro - Nail technician and manicurist
Ms Ferro was saddened by the news that vilification of religion shall no longer be considered a crime. "Much of my work consisted of fixing the chipped nails of bored housewives who would work their fingers down to the bone, hammering away at their keyboards on the comments boards of online Maltese newspapers.
Every time Ramon Casha posts a comment online, my waiting list triples. Now that religion can be vilified with impunity, the novelty will wear off and my clients will find less destructive hobbies."