Making friends with a Maltese person is like having your wisdom tooth removed: it’s supposed to be healthy for you, and everyone recommends it, but it’s actually going to be really painful and leave you with a bloody mouth.

With Maltese people naturally inclined to form cliques in every aspect of their social life, anyone showing up late to the party is going to find it hard befriending the islanders.

Malta might be more international than ever, but some things never change. Here are some of those things.

1. You’ll always be an outsider, no matter what

You weren’t present at their Holy Communion? Then who even are you?

2. Getting them to hang out with you is as hard as drawing blood from a rock

“Today is impossible, tomorrow is even worse, and next week I’m gas down. Imma we’ll meet soon zgur alla,” they say for the fourth time in four weeks.

3. And their parents will judge you like you’ve just proposed marriage to their child

“Dak se jkun haxxej meta jikber” your now-ex friend’s mom says over the top of your head the first time she meets you.

4. One day they will randomly turn on you, without warning

Remember that thing you did? No? You actually don’t think anything happened at all? Don’t worry, you’re gonna be punished for it anyways.

5. Only to brush it off a year later like it was nothing

“You still into Pokemon, bro?”

6. And God help you if you propose anything that needs planning

Expect a lot of talk, excited flurry, speculation on the fun times you are going to have together, and xeba inaction.

7. You’ll realise that your friendship depends on the most random of things

The job of your great-grandmother on your father’s side was never as important as it is now you are trying to make friends.  

8. And that Maltese people are very averse to one-on-one meetings

Good luck trying to have meaningful conversations in groups of 15 people.

9. Also, since everyone knows everyone, expect anything you tell one person to make the rounds

Don’t show your cards or you’ll regret it. 

10. Of course, your new partner is the ex of your colleague/friend

Forget seconds – you’re always getting fourths and beyond in Malta. 

11. But if you happen to do something awesome, you’ll become “popular”

“It’s really weird like, since I appeared on l-Istrina everyone’s been super friendly to me.”

12. Until they start acting like you don’t exist anymore, that is

There’s only so many ‘Seen’s you can handle on Facebook.

13. Worst of all, they will still expect you to bend over backwards for them

“Heyyyy, can you give my cousin a like on this page for this competition? Make sure you click on the link and not on the page <3 XxxxX”

Tag a Maltese friend who does this to you on the regular.

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]