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Here’s Why ‘Stranger Things’ Would Never Work In Malta

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Over the past year, Stranger Things has gradually become not only one of the biggest TV series on Netflix, but also one of the most hyped about in history. 

With the second season out and many people taking time off to binge-watch it, we thought we’d imagine what it would be like if Stranger Things had to be set in Malta. What we found out is that the storyline would actually never be able to work back on the rock.

If you still think Stranger Things would work in Malta, hear us out. And yes, needless to say, there may be some spoilers from both seasons ahead, so tread carefully or look away.

1. There wouldn’t be any trick or treating come Halloween, because that’s obviously satanic

Sure, some towns like Swieqi and Pembroke make it a point to be awesome exceptions to this rule, but Malta has a long way to go before it reaches the likes of Hawkins, Indiana.

And with people like the President’s husband saying Halloween is satanic in 2017, can you imagine how many people would be out trick or treating in a 1980s Malta with monsters on the loose?

2. Will would never have gotten lost in the first place

Everything bad that happens in both seasons of Stranger Things can arguably be boiled down to young Will Byers getting lost on his way home after spending a night with his friends. 

The town of Hawkins might have dense woods surrounding it and Malta may have its own miniature version with Buskett, but let’s face it; there’s always at least one person around on this island, and ‘the mystery of the vanishing boy’ would have been instantly explained if it had to happen in Malta.

Worst case scenario, Will would be missing for 48 hours max, only to be found by a fisherman offering him a ham and cheese sandwich.

3. Good luck keeping all those Christmas lights on for longer than 5 minutes 

Will’s mum quickly figures out that her son can somehow communicate from The Upside Down (an alternate dimension) by controlling the surge of electricity in the house, devising a means of communication through Christmas lights spread out all over the house.

Cue the same situation in Malta, with dad barging in shouting, “Mela taħseb li nsibu l-flus ma’ l-art jew? Itfi minn hemm għax jitla’ kont tal-Madonna!”

Not to mention that with the ridiculously over-the-top Christmas decorations dotting Malta’s landscape, trying to get through to Will amidst all that light pollution would be downright impossible.

4. Eight’s powers would be totally ineffective 

Season 2 introduces Eleven’s “lost sister” from the Hawkins Laboratory; Eight. The girl, whose real name is Kali Prasad, is far more rebellious, and her punk ensemble convinces Eleven to go on a heist.

Eight is an illusionist, meaning she can make people see things that aren’t really happening. But let’s face it; with most of the population being absolutely brainwashed by politics, religion, or sport (or all three), how would Eight be expected to cause any damage in Malta?

5. The Demodogs would instantly grow and kill everyone

Season 2 also has new creatures ready to haunt your dreams, and the demon monsters known as Demodogs are central to the plot.

Starting off as cute(ish) little slug things which go from harmless pollywogs to the terrifying Demodogs, the process of growth for these creatures is shockingly fast, provided they have enough food to feast upon. Quickly, Dart (the chief Demodog) develops an appetite for cat, which sees the creature grow much quicker. 

Put a couple of the demon monsters in the streets of Malta with food leftovers and stray cats everywhere, and the island is doomed from the start.

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6. The gang would’ve gotten sidetracked looking for chocolate 

1980s Malta? Yeah; good luck finding a fridge’s worth of chocolate pudding or a bucketful of chocolate bars Dustin & co. 

7. Barb, because Barb

Although, to be very fair, we’re pretty sure Malta’s Police Commissioner would do his best and put his full focus on making sure she’s instantly found.

BONUS: We’ve been in The Upside Down all along

How can you get away from The Upside Down, when that turns out to be the default?

Because let’s face it; that’s what “Pajjiż tal-Mickey Mouse”, “Banana Republic” and “Imma kollox bil-maqlub” really mean.

Tag a Stranger Things fan!

READ NEXT: Everything That Would Change If Harry Potter Was Set In Malta

Lovin Malta's Head of Content, Dave has been in journalism for the better half of the last decade. Prefers Instagram, but has been known to doomscroll on TikTok. Loves chicken, women's clothes and Kanye West (most of the time).

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