So, Grandmaster Jean de la Valette, right – the one who built Malta’s very own capital? The good old quasi-celibate knight veered a little far off the knighthood guidelines and had himself not one, but two children!

Just let that nugget sink in, while we team up with Heritage Malta to bring you some of the weirdest saucy secrets that have ever riddled Malta and Gozo’s history books.

1. Grandmaster Hompesch loved chocolate

Possibly taking his obsession with chocolate to the level of outright greed, Grandmaster Ferdinand von Hompesch had a chocolatier that tended solely to his needs! Hompesch was also the last Grandmaster of Malta before it fell to French rule in 1798.

2. Napoleon hates Maltese ice-cream

The story goes that when Napoleon Bonaparte first landed on Malta’s shores, he was immediately bequeathed with a serving of ice-cream which he promptly refused. He apparently did not have time for the dessert and wished to inspect the island’s fortifications instead.

3. Valletta love potions were pretty bloody weird

Forget Harry Potter, the OG love potion was brewed right here in Malta. A woman from Valletta named Domenica Darmanin decided to administer the potion to a man she fancied at the behest of a slave. The catch: mix some wine with a little menstrual blood before offering it to your future lover. Domenica was subsequently arrested, and history never told us whether the love potion actually worked.

4. Crossdressing knights featured heavily in Christmas mass

Back in the day, men and women were segregated in church. This didn’t stop one knight from Castille by the name of Pietro de Aya who dressed up as a woman for Christmas mass to plonk himself right in their midst.

5. This one priest turned murderous

No, there’s no typo there. Back in 1770, 77-year-old priest Don Ercole Parlucci had himself a little too much wine; in a drunken rage, he chased after one of his servants with a knife. Soldiers managed to hold the priest down, but he was promptly thrown into Fort St. Angelo.

6. Leaving hats at your bedside table (supposedly) shields your extra-marital affairs

Qrendi local Natale Barbara was instructed to leave his hat by his bed. His Sicilian friend explained that it was part of a spell to prevent his wife from knowing he was seeing other women. We’re betting Mrs Barbara saw right through this in no time.

7. Some knights loved the theatre a little too much

In 1770, a knight by the name of Cavellero Delotra was arrested and sent to Fort Ricasoli. His crimes included the ownership of heretical books, and his insatiable desire to rip off his pants at the local theatre… and his pantless attempts at seducing performing ballerinas.

8. Medieval real-estate management was a thing

The mistress of Maltese corsair-turned-knight Alonso De Contreras made a killing in real-estate. Thanks to the knight’s ludicrous spendings on his lover, she invested heavily in local property.

9. Weed’s been around in Malta for ages

An underwater excavation of the Grand Harbour in 2002 saw over a thousand artefacts being brought back to the surface. Among them was a cannabis pipe which bore a similar structure to pipes found in Lesbos, Greece.

BONUS: A whole family of artists moved to Malta and there’s a whole exhibition dedicated to them

The Schranz family moved to Malta two centuries ago, and captured the beauty of Malta in its different forms through various artistic styles. Heritage Malta is teaming up with the Schranz Family to mark the 200th anniversary of the original arrival with an exhibition that kicks off on the 10th of July in the beautiful Fort St. Elmo. Over 180 works will be on display from public and private collections including the Victoria and Albert Museum, the UK Government Art Collection and Minorca museums, and will cover 4 generations of Schranz artistry.

Tag a history buff!

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Matthew Baldacchino

Self-titled resident SJW and expressionless in-house Head of Internal Marketing. Matt loves prepping vegan and vegetarian food, consumes way too much coffee, and has an unhealthy penchant for storyboarded Instagram Stories. When he's not trying to figure out social media policies, marketing strategies or cracking SEO conundrums, you can catch him as the host of Basically, Livestream Of Consciousness or Lovin Daily. Hit him up if you've got a story about the environment, arts and culture, health, politics and activism, or LGBTQI+ issues. He's also a doctor, but we don't talk about that.