It’s virtually impossible to be anonymous in Malta. Everywhere you go you’re bound to meet someone you know by at least three degrees of separation. Everything you do is subject to your parents’ incessant questioning, or your partner’s investigation.
There are some Maltese situations which are especially tricky to do without a disappearing cloak. Here’s a few that are really hard to overcome.
1. When you want to ask a stupid question on RUBS
And you know all your friends are going to see it pop up in their Notifications corner. #xmistħija
2. When giving honest feedback to friends
“Does this skirt make my legs look fat?”
Yes, Sarah. And generally you need to stop wearing ankle boots because you just don’t have the calves for it.
“U ajma, lanqas xej hun – you look great!”
3. When you’re online dating
You’ve done the Tinder thing and would like to graduate to more soul-searching dating sites. Of course this means you’ve got to pay up, and you’d rather your accountant (who’s also your mum’s cousin) didn’t know about it… Well, this is one case where paying without the need for a bank account or credit card can come true and potentially bring you one step closer to finding the person of your dreams.
4. When you have ‘morning after the night before’ flashbacks
You wake up with your hair stuck to your face and your breath smelling of a thousand assholes. A handful of soul-shattering memories of the night before cascade through your brain at break-neck speed. Yup, being anonymous when I said all those stupid drunken things to people and when I danced for half an hour with a column would have been ideal…
5. When you want to try your hand at online gambling
But don’t want your deposits appearing on your bank statements. If only they would invent a way to pay for things without the need for entering any personal information. Wait…
6. When you hate the food at a restaurant
You try to get through your plate of porcini risotto, but it tastes more like a over-sized portion of mould with cream in it. But when your waiter comes over and asks “kollox kien orrajt medem?”, you nod furiously and reply “mela, mela, intlejt ta!”
7. When Facebook friends just need to be told to stop
There’s Jason who you love a good night out with, but is not above posting racist statuses. And Sarah, who you can have the best one-on-one chats with, but insists on telling everyone every minute detail of every meal in her day. Can I use a Facebook commenter proxy?
8. When you want to place a tiny bet on a football game
But you’re applying for a home loan and the bank would go apeshit if they see it on your statement. Well, you can actually do this now – it’s Christmas, treat yourself!