Jobs And Businesses That Don't Exist In Malta – But Should

It's only a matter of time...

Rain

Looking to bring home the bacon? Unable to find anything that tickles your fancy more than what you're currently doing which is eating toffees under the sheets, waiting to become a millionaire? 

Check out our list of amazing jobs and business ideas that should totally exist in Malta. Make it rain!

1. Cinema Shutter-Upper

Because you shouldn't have to.

Stfuuuuu

There's no rage like cinema rage and there's no cinema goer like a Maltese cinema goer. Hence the essential new Keepmeposted vacancy; the cinema shutter-upper. This hero will do the SHHH!-ing for you. Because you shouldn't have to. 

'Aqbiżli 'l barra ġbin.'

Cinema shutter-upper, 2016.

2. Professional Child-Namer

Because no matter how unplanned, nobody deserves to be named after an STD.

Isemm

For parents who have no idea what to name their children or want to be 'original', they should be able to hire an objective eye. The chosen candidate will possess common sense, objectivity and the ability to call a spade a spade.

'Terribly sorry, Chlamydia has not passed the name test.'

Professional Child-Namer, 2016.

3. Flood ferries

Perfect as a tourist attraction, and for getting commuters across Msida after it rains.

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We all know that Malta grinds to a total standstill the second clouds do that thing they do in other countries every other day. Seemingly the wicked witch of the Med, Malta cannot handle water being poured on it. But as the roads flood and Facebook clips of the sewage out-pour go viral, a savvy businessperson could easily see the use of having a service that ferries people across the road.

'Għal Maxims ġbin!'

A flood commuter with his priorities straight, 2016.

4. Xummiemu Shaming App

Because Malta has enough trouble getting its trash right.

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Have you just witnessed some dick-turd spitting their gum out on the street, flicking their plastic bottle into the road as they drive by, stubbing their cigarette out on a tree trunk? This is one occasion that does call for shaming. Attention developers – build us an app that will allow us to militantly shame all public litterers.  

"Istħi jekk taf kif!"

An adorable xummiemu, disappointed in your life choices, 2016

5. Bed-Warmer 

Because nobody enjoys lying in the fetal position for 30 minutes.

Bed Warmer

In winter when the cold and humidity are going through your bones, you spend the first thirty minutes in bed in an extreme fetal position until your body warms. By the time that happens, the cold has made you need to pee. So you get out of bed and by the time you return, the sheets are cold again. Repeat process until it is time to get up for work. Imagine having someone else do it for you and being able to get into a toasty-warm bed immediately!

'Treżżaħ no mo'!'

Bed warmer, 2016.

6. Xmas Shopper

With a BA (Hons) in Keeping-All-of-Your-Aunts-and-Uncles-Straight.

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Anyone who can take the burden of buying Christmas gifts in Malta should be paid a fuck-tonne of money and hence only need  work during the season to apparently be jolly. Christmas grinches will be lining up to employ the crazy mofo who's up for this job.

"Remember that subtle hint nanna dropped last July? No? I do!"

Xmas Shopper, 2016.

7. Diversion Sign Alarm

So you don't find out there's a diversion when you get to the diversion.

Angry Driver

This definitely needs to exist, whether in human or automated format – especially during the summer festi season. In human format the suitable candidate will possess common sense and an IQ level higher than that of a kidney bean. They will be expected to place diversion signs way before the actual diversion so that drivers can take decisions beforehand and choose their preferred route rather than swearing at all the saints. In the (way more sense-making) app format, your phone will just shout at you if it detects you're about to drive into a cluster-fuck of vehicular drama.

'Jekk tkompli għaddej minn hawn, ħa tidgħi.'

Diversion Sign Poster/App

8. Robot PAs 

Because you want to live beyond your thirtieth year.

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A good Personal Assistant is pretty much synonymous with 'life-saver'. But with Malta's convoluted bureaucratic systems, and the amount of red tape you have to get through to cross off the most basic task from your personal admin list, we need a whole new Malta Admin PA tier. No ordinary PA can do it – they'll need nerves of steel to get through the amount of 'for fuck's sake' moments they encounter on a daily basis. So maybe someone made from steel in the first place is a good way to start?

"Jekk għandek bżonn għajnuna biex tagħfas in-numri, agħfas in-numru tnejn"

A conversation that's not your problem with the Robot PA, 2016.

9. Parker

No no, not those parkers – we mean an actual person that will park your car.

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You know all those times you're late for a meeting and there's literally no more place to park in Malta? Introducing the new street valet service. You buzz a parker through your voice automated app, he hops into your car and parks it in a public area for you, the app lets you know where your car is parked and you can say goodbye to road rage forever (read till you have to drive to work tomorrow).

"Dawwar... dawwar...dawwa- OHH! Bilmod!!"

Every kind soul who's tried to help you park, 2016.

Bonus: Professional Bridesmaids

So your real friends can actually enjoy your wedding.

Bridesmaids

To many, being asked to be a bridesmaid is a bigger pain in the ass than it is an honour. This post requires girls who (are willing to act like they) enjoy fulfilling bridesmaid duties. Responsibilities include: organising the bachelorette party, wedding-dress shopping, maintaining a calming influence on the big day, greeting guests, collecting gifts, smiling...yay.

'Qumu u iżfnu ja qatta mdejqin!'

Professional Bridesmaid, 2016.

All applications will be treated in the strictest confidence.

Written By

Tina Colada

I like turtles.

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