1. “Ħeqq, kulħadd ħi hux!”

The only real place to kick off a list like this.

Just like that old cliché that Malta’s summers and winters are way more intense than other countries’ “because of the humidity ayy”, the commonest way for most islanders to deal with mould seems to just be the thought that they’re not alone.

I don’t know about you, but that would only make me want to try even harder to solve my own case, and not celebrate the fact that hey, at least Redeemer from round the corner has the same problem.

2. “It’s kind of a spotted feature wall at this point…”

Is there a stronger sign of giving up than this?

It might’ve been weeks, months, years, since that first patch of mould showed up in the corner of your room. But now, you’ve kind of grown accustomed to it.

It even adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the room. Oh, that part of the wall? Yeah, that’s a unique feature in this room. It’s kind of inspired by animal prints, but it’s 100% organic and cruelty-free. You could say I’m somewhat of an interior designer.

3. “Are you sure you want to paint your new home now? We had waited a couple of years.”

Solidly third in the five stages of grief, we have bargaining.

Because instead of tackling the problem head on, we opt for negotiating with the mould.

Let it emerge and infest a wall or four – instead of, say, actually providing the house with the proper treatment for it not to happen in the first place – so that we don’t have to waste any money on extra coats of paint.

Genius. Ish.

4. “I wonder how many spots and cracks showed up overnight…”

Two types of people can definitely relate to this.

On the one hand, you have those who take a while to fall asleep and find themselves staring at the same spot of mouldy wall above them (guilty as charged).

On the other, you have those who have found themselves spending more time indoors and therefore have more time to look around the entire house while bored.

Because we are living in 2020, it looks like we’ve all become the second case.

And because Malta doesn’t really have a whole lot of sheep roaming around the island to count as you fall asleep, some of us find ourselves counting mould spots instead. Soon enough, you’ll start trying to calculate how many spots and crack are showing up per day or per week as you come up with ratios and predictions for the coming months.

Bring out the midnight equations; Maths diploma, here I come. Sleep will have to wait.

5. “It’s cause we’re not South-facing ta’…”

An island in the middle of the Mediterranean with over 3,000 hours of sunshine per year? Of course we’re going to bring the sun in at some point in any argument!

Mould infestations are known to be more prevalent in dimly-lit areas, so if you’re one of those people who don’t have a South-facing facade (you’ll instantly know because those people tend to never shut up about it), you’ve got yourself a perfectly convenient excuse for your mouldy home.

The odds were stacked up against me since Day One bro, it’s not my fault.

6. “Maybe if I leave it for another season it’ll just, like, go away?”

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Unless you’re Maltese, in which case consider doing it in like six months’ time.

It’s true that the island’s summers will exasperate your mouldy situation with their super high temperatures.

It’s not true, though, that once winter arrives, the mould is going to suddenly feel cold enough and catch a bus to a warmer location.

7. “At least it’s not as bad as ta’ taħtna!“

Oh neighbours. We love you, we really do.

But when we find ourselves in a shitty situation, it’s very comforting to know that at least, you’re worse off than us.

Tessie’s house just round the corner never sees any sunlight, Marlon’s flat just underneath us has our mouldy place on top of hers, and have you seen the state of the Micallefs’ faċċata? Hopeless!

Thankfully, there’s an easy way to deal with Malta’s pesky moffa… and it’s all thanks to Grand Interiors.

Spending more time indoors and want to finally deal with that one mouldy room? Live in an old house that has been begging for an anti-mould treatment for decades? Want to make sure your future home is moffa free and as perfect as can be? All your prayers have been answered.

From curative spray treatments to sanitising solutions, Grand Interiors’ Anti-Mould range will help you kiss your moffa goodbye once and for all.

And with the certified Mufflor anti-mould paint, bargaining with the infestation will become a thing of the past.

Skip right to the step where you get rid of the mould once and for all… and do it in style, too!

Grand Interiors even has Aquos and Magma, two feature wall paints that are super easy to do at home for that extra dash of colour to upgrade your temples. Beyond that, they even have an intuitive online paint and DIY shop to help equip you with everything you need.

And yes; deliveries are available for all of Malta and Gozo!

You don’t even need to leave your soon-to-be-upgraded home to start benefitting from Grand Interiors’ awesome awesome and protective products. Just log onto their website and start planning your mould-free house today.

While you’re at it, maybe let Tessie and the Micallefs know about it as well; everyone deserves to go into the new decade moffa-free.

And the good news doesn’t stop there. All Lovin Malta readers can get a 10% discount when purchasing their own Mufflor products. Just write LOVINMALTA at the checkout page to benefit from this offer.

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Tag someone who knows the moffa struggle all too well