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13 Things You Can Almost Always Expect At A Maltese Wedding

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Love them or hate them, Maltese weddings certainly never leave you wanting for drama. Whether it’s hilarious and forgivable mishaps, or outright catastrophe – it always comes to pass with an “uwiva, ħadna gost“.

Here’s a few classic scenarios you’re likely to see at a Maltese wedding. 

1. Hundreds of bare-legged women complaining because it’s April and guaranteed sunshine is nowhere to be seen

“Dawn ma ħasbuhiex ta’, hawn bard ta’ Kristu”

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2. Practically all the guests arriving after the bride

“F’għ*** it-traffiku!” (translation: I stopped to eat something)

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3. Some kind of priest-related hiccup

Saying the wrong name or going off on serious sermon tangent is to be expected. 

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4. An annoying wedding-planner curating the fun

Please line up in an orderly fashion for poppers, direct them away from the face and eyes. One at a time f’ġieh kemm hemm!

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5. Bridesmaids herding family members for photos and asking literally every guest if they’ve seen Nannu Ġuz

Ejja before it starts raining again!

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6. One speech that’s cringe AF from start to finish

Insomma, x’insta ngħid fuq Brian u Shania

When She Tries Play Im Best Friend Here Card

7. And/or when there’s a technical problem with the slide-show

Araw x’ħa tagħmlu – we need to look at baby pictures for 25 minutes.

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8. Someone will bring a guest even if they weren’t asked to

Just in case 700 people weren’t enough.

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9. And there will be that one person complaining about everything

Maa, there isn’t that much food, ay?”

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10. The vodka will run out early 

Because ‘moderation’ doesn’t translate into Maltese-party-speak.

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11. One of the parents will cry

Whether it’s about the lack of vodka, or the fact that Nannu Ġuz wasn’t in the photos – weeping is guaranteed.

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12. The DJ will be hounded for requests

Itfali naqa’ Avicii ħabib!”

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13. And the neighbours will send the police to shut the party down

Because fuck if they care that’s it’s the biggest night of your life. 

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