Love them or hate them, Maltese weddings certainly never leave you wanting for drama. Whether it’s hilarious and forgivable mishaps, or outright catastrophe – it always comes to pass with an “uwiva, ħadna gost“.
Here’s a few classic scenarios you’re likely to see at a Maltese wedding.
1. Hundreds of bare-legged women complaining because it’s April and guaranteed sunshine is nowhere to be seen
“Dawn ma ħasbuhiex ta’, hawn bard ta’ Kristu”
2. Practically all the guests arriving after the bride
“F’għ*** it-traffiku!” (translation: I stopped to eat something)
3. Some kind of priest-related hiccup
Saying the wrong name or going off on serious sermon tangent is to be expected.
4. An annoying wedding-planner curating the fun
Please line up in an orderly fashion for poppers, direct them away from the face and eyes. One at a time f’ġieh kemm hemm!
5. Bridesmaids herding family members for photos and asking literally every guest if they’ve seen Nannu Ġuz
Ejja before it starts raining again!
6. One speech that’s cringe AF from start to finish
“Insomma, x’insta ngħid fuq Brian u Shania…“
7. And/or when there’s a technical problem with the slide-show
Araw x’ħa tagħmlu – we need to look at baby pictures for 25 minutes.
8. Someone will bring a guest even if they weren’t asked to
Just in case 700 people weren’t enough.
9. And there will be that one person complaining about everything
“Maa, there isn’t that much food, ay?”
10. The vodka will run out early
Because ‘moderation’ doesn’t translate into Maltese-party-speak.
11. One of the parents will cry
Whether it’s about the lack of vodka, or the fact that Nannu Ġuz wasn’t in the photos – weeping is guaranteed.
12. The DJ will be hounded for requests
“Itfali naqa’ Avicii ħabib!”
13. And the neighbours will send the police to shut the party down
Because fuck if they care that’s it’s the biggest night of your life.