14 Other People The Maltese Police Should Bitchslap

Never mind the naked bathers, here’s the real offenders.

Batman Slap

So a video depicting a naked bather getting slapped around by the local police surfaced on the internet a few days ago, prompting discussion on whether or not this behavior was appropriate (or even legal).

But while nude bathing remains an on-paper crime under Maltese law – and far be it for us to condone police brutality – we thought up of a few other offenders whose midemeanours are arguably a lot worse than the unfortunate skinny-dipper of this story.

1. The indicator-phobics


Crime: Never using their indicator

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 2/10

We’ve had an upsetting rate of traffic incidents on the Maltese roads lately, and failing to use an indicator properly may very well contribute to this problem. Please take some time to experiment with this wonderful piece of technology.  

2. The owners of illegal boathouses

Illegal Boathouse

Crime: Setting up shanty houses around coastal areas illegally

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 4/10

These are a classic category for Malta: genteel criminals who get away with it because politicians worry about losing their vote.

3. Konrad Mizzi

Konrad Mizzi Dzl Zl 1262

Crime: Opening an offshore account in Panama, renowned tax haven

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Since the former energy minister barely got a slap on the wrist from the Prime Minister following his confession of opening an offshore account in Panama, someone really should show him what’s what.

4. The construction lobby


Crime: Building towards a property bust, continuing to obliterate Malta’s landscape.    

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Destroying Malta piece by piece, with the full blessing of the powers-that-be. Let the slaps rain down swift and hard.

5.  The incorrigible hunters


Crime: Shooting down protected birds

Strength of slap: 9/10

Empathy felt: 2/10

Dude, your side won the spring hunting referendum, which means that for you, open season is literally open season. Learn some restraint, for god’s sake.

6. The beach foulers


Crime: Littering on the beaches

Strength of slap: 9/10

Empathy felt: 2/10

We know BBQs in summer are the best and most relaxing thing ever. But our beaches are among the best things about these islands, so after you’re done with your grilling and drinking – please clean up (Same goes for you smokers and casual drinkers who find no problem leaving cans and cups around).

7. The parkers


Crime: Claiming a public space as a parking lot and demanding a fee from drivers

Strength of slap: 8/10

Empathy felt: 5/10

Sure, not all parkers are bad. But some have even taken to violent means of asserting their – already shaky – authority, so a few slaps around makeshift parking lots around the island are most definitely in order.

8. The cinema talkers

Talking At Cinema

Crime: Talking at the cinema

Strength of slap: 5/10

Empathy felt: 1/10

We’ve all snuck a few whispers to our cinema neighbours every now and then, but those who talk throughout the film consistently as if the auditorium is their living room deserve to be struck by the swift and meaty hand of justice.

9. The ‘Perfs’


Crime: Blasting music on the bus

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 1/10

Like we’ve said in various articles many times before… learn the value and practicality of headphones, and harness them to their full potential… you lazy, entitled little shit.

10. The people behind ever-expanding fish farms

Fish Farm

Crime: Liberally expanding the limits of fish farms

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Not only is this practice legally dubious and damaging to marine biodiversity, it also leads to the contamination of our waters – once again compromising one of the main draws Malta has.

11. The militant pro-lifers


Crime: Using ‘so-and-so is a slippery slope to abortion argument

Strength of slap: 4/10

Empathy felt: 2/10

A very handy way of flushing any attempt at a nuanced discussion on ‘liberal’ subjects down the toilet. Conservative bigots need a chill pill more than a slap, but the worst ones deserve a toxic mix of both.

Bonus offender: The person who uses ‘fejn kont!?’ as the ultimate comeback against those complaining about overdevelopment-cum-environmental devastation today.

12. The insensitive boat-owners

Boat Owners

Crime: Parking their boats waaaay too close to the coast

Strength of slap: 9/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Look, we understand that showing it off is at least 60% of the fun of owning a boat, but do you really have to spoil swimming for the rest of us. SLAP!

13. The fridge-dumpers


Crime: Dumping fridges (and other appliances) in fields

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Honestly, you’re lucky if you get just a slap for this one. Malta’s green spaces are rapidly diminishing, so we would appreciate it if you kept the few we have left spotless, thanks.

14. The racist keyboard warriors


Crime: Several, most notable of which is blurting out “go back to your country” at the first hint of a critique from a foreigner

Strength of slap: 10/10

Empathy felt: 0/10

Their ways of logically defending this position are literally zero. So whenever you feel these words forming in the back of your mind, just count to ten and let out an ghana scream.

Are there any other insufferable habits by our countrymen that you would like to see reprimanded with a slap? Let us know on Facebook, or send us a Snap!

READ MORE: 13 Things Everyone Hates About Malta