Drinking on a weeknight is a risky game. We always go out with our best intentions and vow not to have a batshit crazy hangover the next day.
You agree to go for just a beer or two. There’s the game on. It will be fun. But even you know you’re lying to yourself. On your fifth drink, you swear it’s just one more. Before you know it, it’s 3 am, and bar staff are ushering you out.
Then it all hits you. You’ve got work the next day. You have to wake up at 6:30, and you know it’s going to be hell.
But don’t panic, all you need to do is get by through the day without letting people know that you were guzzling tequilas just a few hours before.
DISCLAIMER: Information for the piece was gathered from outside sources and in no way reflects the writer’s own behaviour at work. Promise. Really promise. Really really promise….also his bosses are amazing.
1. Get your shit together before you get out of the house
You’ve just woke up, and you’re still kind of drunk. Your head’s spinning just as memories of embarrassing conversations you had the night before come flooding in. You stink of alcohol, and you’re starting to panic.
Brush your teeth as soon as you wake up. Believe me, it will change everything. Then drink a full glass of water, swallow down a couple of panadol, and take a shower. Cold water is optional but encouraged.
Get ready like you usually would so that you don’t look like a bum. (No tracksuits, no creased clothes, and under no circumstances wear the clothes you were wearing the night before.)
Also, consider sunglasses.
2. Eat and drink
Eating before you get to the office is essential. The greasier, the better. My preference is always something bacon-based, but everything is on the table. Get a burger if you want, and no, it’s not too early for that.
Leftover coins from last night’s endeavours come in super handy if you want to splurge at a pastizzeria.
Liquids are key. Water is excellent, but something like a Gatorade helps you restock on electrolytes with a minimum amount of effort. More than anything, drink coffee.
Keep it going throughout the day, snacks and sugary drinks are your new best friend.
3. Act natural
Be on time. You should always be on time, but on this day you need to make more of an effort. If you are late, make sure its no later than something you can blame on Malta’s endless traffic problem.
IMPORTANT RULE: Do yourself a favour and set your alarm the night before. Fuck it. Set it while you’re still out drinking. Add an extra 15 to 30 minutes to your usual morning routine, you’re going to be moving pretty slow.
Once you’re at work, just focus on getting the things you had planned done. Divide by tasks and just take it step by step.
If you need an early lunch, do it. If you need to fake a call, do it. If you need to find a quiet hole and. Nap, do it. Anything that helps you make it through goes. Just don’t get caught.
4. But try to go by unnoticed
If you’re really feeling like shit, do everything you can to avoid pointless and long-winded conversations, especially with your boss.
This is where your phone comes in. Fake emergency phone calls and text messages can work like a charm in combatting an over-inquisitive boss. Plus, it actually makes it seem like you’re doing your job.
Headphones will be your new best friend. You don’t even have to listen to music, the mere sight of headphones in your ear is kryptonite against chatty colleagues.
If you’ve got a good spot where no one can see your screen, turn on youtube, sit back, and enjoy.
5. Take breaks
You’ve powered through to lunch. Well done, you’re doing amazing. But don’t get cocky. The mid-afternoon is where things can get really shitty. Falling asleep at your desk is possible, while Susan from HR’s endless cackling makes you hope for a painful death.
Take a break when you can. I suggest picking up and/or faking a smoking habit so you can go outside regularly.
6. Don’t tell anyone
I get it. You’re feeling pathetic and vulnerable but fight all urge to complain about your hangover to colleagues. Don’t go on moaning about your late-night fiascos to the people who’ve come to work perky and sober. It will bite you in the ass.
Yes, last night was a fucking banger. But it’s Tuesday and people at work still think you’re professional goddamnit.
Just push through it in silence, suffer like the true greats. Once you do this, you can do it anything.
7. Call in sick
If you’re really in a sorry state, just call in sick. But only do so as a last precaution and never do so on a Monday. It’s too obvious.
For the ambitious few, powering through on the day and postponing your sick day to the next will remove any suspicion. You’re going to be looking like shit on the day, so they might just believe you’ve got a bug.
For those brave enough, going to work and faking sick in front of your colleagues could buy you an early ticket out of the office doors.
Tag a friend who goes to work hungover!
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