Things All Maltese People Do When They Go To Gozo
1. Pack up their whole house – just in case
You’ve packed a volleyball tal-qamel, ‘Monopoly‘ and three other board games (‘X’hemm x’tagħmel Għawdex?’), your dog, a radio, a fan and a microwave, just in case.
Off for the weekend!
‘Tinsiex il-butler’s tray Bradley. Ma tafx x’jista’ jinqala hemm.’
2. Use their best ferry queue etiquette
You are doing a mental count of all the cars you think will fit on the next ferry boat when a car pulls up on the next lane right next to you. It’s Dylan.
You exaggerate an ‘Ara ħaqq, orrajt sieħbi?’
Dylan: ‘Għal Għawdex ġbin?’
You fight the instinct to reply sarcastically and settle instead for ‘Ma nżommokx, kompli kuġin.‘ You realise what you’ve just said is the most ridiculous thing you could have said in the history of ridiculous things that could be said in the ferry queue. You pray for the ferry door to open the fuck up already.
3. Order a kafé u sangwiċ
When it finally does open, you bid farewell to Dylan, fully aware you’re going to bump into him and his two little rascals Deemer and Diandra at the cafeteria on board – not to mention while having an ice-cream tal-magna in Marsalforn.
You drive up the ramp and experience a moment’s panic. Your life flashes before your eyes. ‘Issa jekk nkompli nieżla l-baħar ma nidgħix tnejn?’ Yet you make it on board in one piece and buy a celebratory sandwich to keep you occupied for the whole twenty-minute journey.
‘Tnejn hamandcheese tat-tiġieġ u pakkett krips’
4. Lap up the bajd u bejken
Popcorn is to cinema as bacon and eggs is to Gozo. And nothing goes hand in hand with an English breakfast more than orange juice tal-kartun.
You’ve barely touched Gozitan soil before you find yourself strolling down the aisles of the first supermarket in sight to buy twice as much crap you would normally buy.
X’għala l-mouse mill-kolesterol, żul minn nofs!
5. Become consumed with dubbien rage
You’ve eaten enough for a week and are now a ball of blubber lounging by the pool when the dreaded Gozitan fly makes its cameo. You hear it from metres away so you freeze, hoping it won’t pick you if you stop breathing.
Yet pick you it does and there’s no sound more irritating than a Gozitan fly. It throws you into a fit of rage; hitting and punching at the air, dropping your sunblock, wine and Pringles onto the floor. You experience a moment of psychosis, cursing at the fly directly:
‘Minn tant pjanti u nies, fuqi kellek tiġi?!’
6. Make an obligatory trip to Arkadia
There comes a time in every Maltese person’s life when they get fed up of feeling content and serene by the pool and start to miss ‘the city life’. At which point they decide to take a trip to Arkadia.
‘Qisna qedin Dubai hawn!’
7. Argue
…over whether or not you’d live in Gozo.
We’ve all had this conversation. It normally starts out like this:
A: ‘Kif jgħixu haw madoff? Sabiħ imma wara jumejn ittini rasi!’
B: ‘Int bis-serjeta?’
8. Tick off the must-see list
One afternoon is dedicated to a trip to the Azure Window and re-enacting the famous ‘Game Of Thrones’ scene, followed by a pebble-throwing session at Xlendi beach. Fun.
Bonus: #UleNiċċajtawNaqaQegħdinBro
No trip to Gozo is complete without some joke cracking about their (lack of) nightlife and accent.
– 2 months till Gozo carnival and 6 months till Gozo summer. Until then, bejken.