A One-Sentence Summary Of All The Malta Eurovision Song Contest Finalists

Condensed bitchiness

Brooke Cover 2

1. Don't Look Down - Miriana Conte

Ariana Grande's long-lost audition for Moulin Rouge. 


2. Kewkba - Janice Mangion

If Evanescence went to Maria Regina, this would be her all-Maltese Eurovision entry.


3. Bombshell - Maxine Pace

Little Mix's cuteness featuring the line "put your hand on my grenade" in a sexual context (yes, seriously).


4. Breathlessly - Claudia Faniello

Claudia is too Pure for Eurovision, and the end of this song should have been a duet with Cher in Burlesque.


5. Fearless - Rhiannon Micallef

Not sure if the song required every word to be pronounced slightly weirdly but I do like the song (good luck with the note at 2:34)


6. Laserlight - Klinsmann Coleiro

This song makes me want to be friends with Klinsmann and just chill somewhere as he sings Jason Mraz.


7. Fighting to Survive - Cherton Caruana

Random female cover of an 80s Def Leppard song is interesting, but not really a novelty.


8. Follow Me - Franklin Calleja

My one request in this short life is for Franklin to sing all the songs in my future Disney biopic.


9. Follow - Kevin Borg 

He sang with Jordan Sparks that one time, and has a clap-and-belt bridge - we're cool.

Kevin Borg

10. Seconds away - Jade Vella

Not really able to push past "treat me like I'm lady" but the song is quite the banger.


11. Crazy Games - Shauna Vassallo

I'll be honest - tinnily blasted, 90s Craig David garage vibes was not what I was expecting after the drop.


12. Ray of Light - Raquela Dalli Gonzi

She says all her words really sweetly, and belts out a killer Kelly Clarkson at 2:23


13. So Simple - Crosswalk

Lady Gaga's Joanne has opened so many doors for country music, bless her (also this entry is very sweet).


14. You - Richard Edwards

When you're worried this was going to be Firelight's Michelle, but he turns out to be Beyonce (with an amazing Cat Stevens vibe).

Richard Edwards

15. Tonight - Deborah C & Josef Tabone

The chemistry is cute, but I'd never listen to 'bumblebee bubblegum' lyrics set to a Youtube vlogger's royalty-free music.


16. Unstoppable - Brooke Borg

I wish the song was as good as Brooke herself is, but I already know she's gonna slay.


What are your thoughts? Tell us your favourite

READ NEXT: 2016 Eurovision in GIFs

Written By

Chucky Bartolo

If there's no Mariah Carey GIF or reference to Eurovision in this article, just assume they've been edited out against my will.