Hawking Says Earth Is Doomed – But How Would The Maltese Survive On Mars?
Surprising no one (bar climate change deniers that are steadily taking over the White House), Stephen Hawking has announced that humans are doomed… at least on planet Earth anyway.
So before we pack our bags and hop planet, it’s important to keep in mind what the Maltese might be like in our new home.
1. We’d demand so many more public holidays
If the year is gonna be 687 days long, we’re gonna need to double up on saints, and pile up those public holidays.
2. We’d be able to stand outside unprotected
Solar radiation? Please, I’ve waited for a bus in the middle of summer – we’ll be just fine.
3. We’d fix that pesky communication issue
As things stand, there is a 15 minute delay in messages sent from Mars to Earth, but when skyping nanna (who didn’t make the cut to planet hop and save our species) we’d need to have near-live communication… and we all know necessity is the mother of invention.
4. The gravity would do wonders for our ego
Would a resident of one of the top most obese nations be able to do this?
5. We’d develop new terraforming tools to build nations
Where else would we ask people we don’t like to go, if not back to their country?
6. Moon worship would skyrocket amongst the Maltese
Two ‘potato shaped’ (a technical term) moons? Well, if we weren’t sold before…
7. As life expectancy would probably drop to half a Mars-year
Seriously – the summer ‘highs’ are 20°C, which we could probably get used to. But lows of -150°C, count us out.
8. We’d develop the most annoying accent in the solar system
We’ve already plagued the Earth with our Maltiawstraljan – can you imagine what Marsmalti will sound like? Barra minn fuqek!
