Malta’s Greatest Journalist? 13 Articles That Prove Bis-Serjetà Is The Hero Malta Needs But Does Not Deserve
If you haven’t yet met Karl Stennienibarra, Malta’s most serious journalist, you’d better buckle up – you’re in for a wild ride.
Malta’s journalistic sage has been around for a few years, but after taking a long break, he came back hard in January.
We’d reported on it at the time to mark the return of our favourite satire page, but unfortunately, we screwed up. Karl was quick to reach out to us and put us in our place:
We were of course, happy to withdraw our allegations that Karl’s news portal, Bis-Serjetà, is a satire page, and humbly concede that he is, in fact, Malta’s most “serious” journalist. We were lucky enough to work with him back on April 1st, when he solved (almost) all of Malta’s problems.
He has since returned to his own newsroom in Għarb, where he’s spent the past year writing a lot of B.S. (That stands for Bis-Serjetà, you understand, and definitely not Bullshit – or even Brilliant Satire.)
In order to honour our much-admired journalistic compatriot, we’ve looked through a bunch of this year’s masterpieces, and have come up with our very own Bis-Serjetà hall of fame. So kick back, put your feet up, and let Malta’s most serious journalist show you our island in a whole new light.
1. Met. Office tells storm to go back to its country
How Karl Stennienibarra managed to get this exclusive is beyond us. This top-secret Maltese technique is the best thing since President Trump suggested nuking hurricanes.
2. Yelling ‘Aqtagħa għax nifqagħlek snienek’ voted best Maltese parenting technique
This is perhaps the most game-changing study ever to be conducted by a Maltese news portal. It even included advice for parents from places like Sliema…
3. Swedish iGaming worker ventures beyond Gżira for first time
This is a piece of literary journalism worthy of Truman Capote. Stennienibarra details the full adventures of Sven Svensson’s first journey outside of Gżira, and his encounters with strange languages, food, and tales of a mighty Maltese warrior…
4. Male construction truck kills younger rival in display of dominance
In this piece, Stennienibarra channels his inner David Attenborough, and chronicles a constructive clash between mighty Maltese beasts.
5. San Ġorġ beats San Bastjan in 9 rounds to win first bout of Qormi Saint Fight 2019
Hot on the heels of his Capote and Attenborough interpretations, Karl followed in the footsteps of Norman Mailer, and documented an account of the great local fight.
6. Archaeologists seek to solve the mystery of numbers on side of Maltese roads
This piece perfectly represents the serious and illustrious reputation that Stennienibarra has built up for himself. The American University of Malta didn’t even send us a text about their upcoming archaeological study. What can we say? I guess we must strive to be more like Karl.
7. Maltese Government tries to make ‘Power Cut Challenge’ go viral worldwide
Unfortunately, the challenge never took off, and we never had the chance to launch our kickstarter campaign to #BringBackBoiler7
8. Rampaging Edwin Vassallo destroys PAVI fruit section with flamethrower
Stennienibarra was the first journalist on the scene to report the radical lengths to which the MP was prepared to go to save Maltese citizens from HIV-filled Satanist bananas. (No seriously click this link, the bananas thing isn’t even satire)
9. ‘New’ buses actually just old buses that never turned up
No one’s fooling Karl Stennienibarra! And those guys at Malta Public Transport thought they were getting away with it, too…
10. Golden Bay covered in concrete after ‘hilarious’ misunderstanding
We’re not sure we believe it, but we’ve heard rumours that Stennienibarra does all the photography for Bis-Serjetà himself. It’s impossible that someone could be such a talented investigative journalist, writer, and photographer. I mean, look at that lighting, look at those reflections.
11. Car indicators to be phased out in Malta by 2020
“Meanwhile, hazard lights will be retained for their main function of parking illegally in front of pastizzerias.”
12. Maltese Church teams up with Twistees to introduce cheesy Communion wafers
This is one of those rare times where Karl got too big for his boots. While it was an incredible leak and BS was the first news outlet to report on the story (which is particularly impressive considering we at Lovin Malta have a very dedicated food team), it did not come to fruition. Twistees vehemently denied ever being part of the agreement, but Stennienibarra got back to top form by being the only news outlet to cover the Twisted conflict, even going so far as to break the story with a video documentary.
And speaking of religious video documentaries, you surely must’ve seen this one…
13. 5 Things You Didn’t Know About The Santa Marija Feast
If you learned anything from this video, it’s a definite sign that you need to start paying more attention to Karl’s revolutionary reporting methods. And we say that, like, Bis-Serjetà.
BONUS: Fuck me, Malta wins at football
Alright we’re technically cheating here, this one wasn’t written by Karl, it was done up by the sports correspondent for Bis-Serjetà, a certain Lippu Bongalias. But it’s still a cracking (and enthusiastic) read that’ll tell you everything you need to know about one of Malta’s greatest international victories.
You can get more completely independent, serious and uncompromising journalism over on Bis-Serjetà’s website, and you can keep up to date on the latest news stories on their Facebook page.