Stages Every English Speaker Goes Through When They Meet A Maltese Speaker
This one goes out strictly to English speakers. Not just anyone living in Sliema, but as the stereotype goes, this goes out to you in particular. And this is about those awkward moments that, if you live in Malta, you’ve definitely been through.
Sometimes, it feels like it’s impossible to share an island where half the population speak a different language (ish), and for you to never go through this sever emotional distress… just breathe in and out, it will be over soon.
1. Eye contact and disbelief
Your ears hear the Maltese words, and your eyes make contact with the person saying them.
You analyse the motion of their lips and mouths whilst you try to make any form of sense of what they’re hearing. They’re not slowing down. You know your time has come.
2. Internal screaming
The hairs on your arms, legs, and head all perk up.
There’s no way out… You know this isn’t going to be an enjoyable interaction. You’re forced to calm the defining screams in your mind, even just for a moment to try understand one word coming your way.
3. Inwards decision making
They’ve stopped talking. It’s time.
You heard them finish their sentence in a high tone, an indication that you should reply. The biggest decision of the day, how to reply. Should you use your pidgin Maltese to try answer, knowing every verb and tense you’ll be using is wrong? Or should you just risk it and try answer in English?
4. Voice tone setting
As you open your lips, you immediately you realise there’s a problem.
Your mouth is so dry. It’s like the Sahara met the sun inside you. Your tongue feels odd, and you can’t seem to get any sounds out.
A horrible croak finally comes through, and the pitch of your voice goes all over the place. Pretend not to notice it, and say nothing. You’ve let yourself down.
5. More internal screaming
If you’ve chosen to answer in Maltese, then this is the point when you will be having three conversations:
- Trying to speak Maltese and realising everything you are saying makes close to no sense
- Mentally translating everything you are thinking from English into Maltese
- Screaming and asking yourself ‘What on earth are you saying!?!?!?!’
6. Body temperature
It’s all too much.
The pressure, the cringe, and the focus all collapse. Your body, both mentally and physically exhausted for having to think and express so much in such a short time, begins to shut down.
Your body can longer maintain a level temperature. Your face turns red as you can feel the heat flush all over you. You’re done.
7. Smile and Walk away
You don’t even wait for a reply.
You’re not a real person anymore, just a shadow of your former self. Once the out of body experience of small talk with a Maltese-speaking person is done, you’re physically finished. Smile, try to end everything on a positive, but essentially get home and find a corner to cry in.
You’ve failed yourself.
