A lot of people are familiar with Dante’s Divine Comedy. A great masterpiece written by a guy who was either really creative or was really high.
The Divine Comedy tells the story of Dante as he travels through Hell, Purgatory and Heaven in order to find both God and his dead girlfriend Beatrice.
Anyway, this guy stumbles upon the deceased poet Virgil who was kind of just chilling about. These two walk around the woods for some time until they come upon the gates of hell, which state ‘Abandon all hope, ye who enter here’ which should totally be Tigne Point’s car park’s slogan, but whatever.
Here are the nine circles of hell in Dante’s Divine Comedy reimagined in Malta.
1. The First Circle
The first circle of hell in this epic poem is a place for the unbaptised, but in Malta it would literally be all the main roads and bypasses during rush hour.
This place is reserved for all those who end up stuck on the Birkirkara bypass after 16.30. They do not really suffer as much as the other sinners, but they still feel the constant ache of being tragically and perpetually stuck for over ten minutes in the same position.
These desperate souls are generally tortured by heat, hunger, being late and Bay radio.
2. The Second Circle
Here Dante and his bro encounter those who are plagued by lust. These horny bastards are forever being tortured by strong winds blowing all over their skimpily clad bodies. Needless to say the second circle is symbolic of Paceville.
These guys are stuck in a rhetoric of people drunkenly texting their exes and people drunkenly trying to bone each other.
Tragic stories abound, Dante literally cried upon meeting these guys.
3. The Third Circle
The third circle is reserved for all those who love their pastizzi a bit too much. From construction workers to bus drivers, these guys suffer a never-ending punishment of cold rain and and drainage-like slime covering their bodies. Can they still eat their pastizzi though? Boq.
We’re not sure why Dante was so hard on us gluttons. Honest, there’s nothing wrong with eating 12 pastizzi in a row every once in a while.
4. The Fourth Circle
The hoarders and the reckless spenders are both sharing space up in this circle. So basically we have the nouveau riche and the old nanniet. The nanniet who never threw out a single empty biscuit tin or plastic ice cream container in their whole life are this circle’s forever residents alongside those guys with popped polo shirts and gold watches.
This space is by far the most confusing one ever as these folks are pushing the heaviest wheels for eternity. It’s a bit unfair on the nouveau riche since the old nanniet don’t really have much push power.
5. The Fifth Circle
This circle is reserved for all of those who are plagued from insufferable anger. Pretty much almost everyone who comments on The Salott, nsomma.
These guys in this circle constantly fighting each other, bickering about petty stuff, never agreeing with anyone they’re sharing their space with.
6. The Sixth Circle
For Dante this is the world of the burning dead. Since heretics are people whose beliefs go against the Catholic dogma, this faction needs to be tweaked in order to be filled with Maltese people.
This circle will now be inhibited by those who gossip and think that summer is not that terrible.
Everyone who loves this cruel heat can be found trapped in fire-y tombs for eternity in this circle.
7. The Seventh Circle
This one is a confusing circle for Dante and his buddy. Everyone from murderers to art haters are found in this pit of despair.
We will find at least half the population here, S2G. From the guy who designed the Luqa monument to Malcolm Pisani and every single guy who ever said “ħa nifqalu wiċċu” about anyone ever can be found here.
Their eternal punishment is to sink in a sea of blood and fire forever and ever as they listen to On Again Off Again by Julie and Ludwig evermore.
It’s only fitting that those who commit violence against art are tortured by listening to the ultimate violent act against it eternally.
8. The Eighth Circle
In Dante’s Inferno this circle is a super special place reserved for thieves, counterfeits, perjurers, corrupt politicians and pimps. God knows this would probably be the most over-populated circle after that violence against art one.
In this circle of hell the punishments endured are of a varied selection.
There’s people swimming in poop, drowning in poop, walking backwards and even being thrown in a river of tar.
These guys seem to be having it the worst so far, but we don’t really feel bad for them.
9. The Ninth Circle
The ninth circle is deserved for all those who have ever betrayed anyone’s trust.
We’re sure to find everyone who never won us the Eurovision Song Contest freezing to death in this lake. From Lynne Chircop to Fabrizio Faniello, nobody will be spared from this lake of ice.
This is also the place reserved for those who fix football games and steal coins from their mother’s purses.
These guys, according to Dante are also Satan’s favourite snack, so yay.