As the Winter Olympics continue to dominate the sports scene
1. Sled dog racing
They’d start by majorly underestimating the pulling power of our Klieb Tal-But, but what they don’t know is how strong little Shiela is when she flips out. And we all know it doesn’t take much for her to flip out.
If we could get extra points for loud, non-stop barking we’d take all the competition to the cleaners.
Slipping down an icy hill, bumping into a bunch of walls on the way down all while barely being in control of the trajectory the whole time? If you don’t think we’d dominate then you clearly haven’t seen a Maltese person attempt to brave frozen pavements while on a winter holiday.
Imagine how quickly we’d slide down that if we could actually train.
Any time wasted being shit at the skiing portion will be more than compensated for when we get to shoot things down.
Plus, ‘walking’ with skis looks a lot like waddling from the sea to your stuff when you’re wearing a pair of flippers in summer.
4. Figure skating
Back when the Eden ice rink was a thing most of us spent the majority of the time face-down in the ice or clinging on to the sides, cursing the day our friends invited us to this birthday party (why couldn’t Sarah just have a regular bash at the bowling alley?) but who knows what talent was whizzing past us?
5. Ski jumping
From a physical perspective we may not be there just yet, but if we applied our knack for jumping to conclusions to jumping off actual ledges while skiing, I think we’ve got the gold in the bag.
6. Bob sleighing
A lot of cars we see on the road today really shouldn’t be there. Because of this we’ve become accustomed to hopping out of a dead car, giving it a little shove and jumping back in before reaching oncoming traffic.
Boċċi on ice with a side of pavement sweeping. Literally born for this sport.