“Started right after we were back from our honeymoon. I was only 24, he was 31. I had gone shopping at the Valletta market on a Saturday, stalls were packed so it took some time to buy meat, vegetables and other needs. Upon arriving home, I found him infuriated (it was 1pm),” a woman over the age of 60 wrote.

“He said he’s used to going home at noon and finding his food already on the table. He then took the bags I was carrying and opened each item one after the other while screaming ‘For this I’ve had to wait so long’ before slamming them on the floor. I was so shocked, I was petrified.”

“Besides the punches and slaps and tugging of my hair, I had to suffer his blaspheming and bad words offending me and my family. I had no idea that was the first episode of many more, each time escalating in physical and mental violence and abuse.”

This woman detailed times when she was repeatedly punched in the head by her husband who chose that spot because the police “wouldn’t be able to see” the marks there. She even recounted a time when she was suffering from a concussion, went to a polyclinic to get a document certifying her injuries for a report and was denied that by a doctor who “had no time to waste” at court.

She only found the courage to leave after her daughter threatened to leave first.

“The abuse started with my husband offending and shouting at me. With time came the slaps on my face and hits on my arms. He was violent even when I was pregnant and would slap me hard on my face while I was breastfeeding our son,” a woman between her late 20s and early 30s wrote.

“My husband started being violent when I gave birth to our daughter. He became obsessed that I wasn’t taking good care of her. This was unfounded, nothing reckless had ever happened from my side. Some episodes were alcohol- induced, but others weren’t. Then the threats started arriving that he’d get full custody of her should I decide to leave him. Abuse is still ongoing,” another woman said.

She stated that she was taken seriously by the police but couldn’t go through taking her child’s father to court. She said she wished the police were able to give him some sort of warning.

Another woman recounted a horrific experience when she was abused by her ex and his father, fleeing the dangerous relationship by getting an emergency flight out of Malta and back to her home country.

“We were at his father’s house. He was 26 and I was 25. He was angry that day and I had spent the day communicating with family and friends about how I didn’t feel safe and how I wanted to leave. As a dual citizen my best option was to return to my home country but every time I tried to leave he would hide our passports. He came across as quiet and shy around family and friends and people brushed off any concerns I had.”

“My four-year-old son accidentally slammed the bedroom door in excitement and my ex came running into the room screaming. His father also entered the room and when I took my phone out to record, my ex snatched it from me and gave it to his father. I was then dragged off the bed by my hair and slammed onto the floor. I tried fighting back. I kicked him, bit his ankle, punched him, I did everything I could to get him off of me and that’s when he got down and put his hands around my neck until I stopped fighting.”

“His dad kept making threats to shoot me saying that they owned fields and nobody would find me there. It ended with the police being called. My then 4-year-old witnessed all of this. I stayed because I didn’t want this person alone with my child. He would threaten to leave him in a hot car, say he would beat him, and even intentionally pour tons of pepper in his food so he wouldn’t eat – and then scream at him for not eating. On Christmas Eve he got so angry with me that he yanked down our Christmas tree, broke several ornaments, and then threw the gift boxes at our child. The incident led to me and my son getting an emergency flight out of Malta and back to my home country paid for by the embassy,” she concluded.

Another woman’s story highlights the way Malta’s size can push victims away from taking legal action against their abusers, especially when they’re well-known in the community.

“I was 26 when the relationship started, he was six years older. He abused me psychologically and physically. He beat me seven times and after the last attack, I was certified with grievous injuries. He is a public figure in Malta, and no one suspects he is an abuser as he seems like a nice person around people.”

This person reported more than one attack to the police but decided not to continue with the case because she wasn’t given a protection order and still lived in the house her husband had access to. He repeatedly showed up to the house to threaten and warn her that he was willing to pay people to provide evidence falsely proving that she was violent.

Another woman detailed a disturbing case of sexual and physical abuse by her 21-year-old partner when she was just 15. 

“He used to force me to do sexual things which I did not want to do, he used to insert various things in my private parts while tying me up. At some point I mustered up the courage to leave him, however, he continued to stalk me, even following me while I went out with my friends or even my mother.”

Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse didn’t end with this man. A different boyfriend became aggressive during their argument a handful of times, after the third time, she left him. She was 19 years old.

“The final time it happened, his brother stopped him from beating me up and spitting on me. I left him on the spot. His mother called me to tell me to stop seeing her son because I am going to send him to jail.”

“I was 22 he was 32. We married and had two children. When I finally decided I was leaving and not going back he tried to set fire to my house with me and the children inside. That was 20 years ago nothing was done then and nothing will ever be done,” another person tragically recounted.

And it’s not just women, men suffer through domestic violence too.

“He was three years older than me, it was a relationship for three years, where it was very physically and verbally abusive, and I ended up filing a court case. I had a protection order. The order was broken many times. I feared for my life many times. I would turn off the lights so he would think that I was not home then I would find metal items in front of my door.”

“Eventually, since there was no action taken, I ended up forgiving him. The case was closed, however, I remained in the relationship slowly suffering. You could say it was my choice, however, I was in love, but I was also a domestic abuse victim. The only way I could free myself from the relationship was to change my phone number and cut all contact until he moved abroad. It has been five years now, and the emotional scars are still there, however, I wear my experience as a badge of pride for my strength,” a man in his late twenties to early thirties said.

“I experienced threats and assaults at the hands of my spouse,” another man in his 50s explained.

Another man explained that the physical violence experienced at the hand of his partner led to his finger being deformed. He also suffered psychological abuse with his daughter being told he’s “unable to love”.

“She constantly harassed and belittled me – blaming me for all her problems for 15 years. If she did not get her way she flew into a rage, banging drawers and doors and throwing things. She threw her wedding ring at me in front of my best friend, she smashed my mobile phone against the wall, and more,” a man over the age of 60 wrote.

“There was also sexual abuse. When she did not get her way she would wake me up at 2am to argue – knowing I would have to wake up early for work – and would not let me sleep until she got her way. I have many more similar examples.”

Unfortunately, this man explained that he was “too ashamed to seek help”, admitting that he now wishes he did.

Other respondents experienced abuse at the hands of family members who weren’t their spouses or partners.

“It lasted for years where he was physically violent with me for no reason. Nobody did anything because we were related and as a child and young adult, I could not access any resources for help. I hope people understand the toll this takes on a person, not just to experience trauma but to feel betrayed and overlooked by your entire family. My grandparents frequently told me I would go to hell if I didn’t forgive him,” a woman in her late twenties to early thirties wrote.

“He was my brother.”

Meanwhile, a mother recounted the time she stayed with her son while she was sick, she admitted that she spent a lot of time talking about her condition both online and in person but her son seemed fine with it.

“However, the next morning everything changed. I don’t know what got into him. As the day passed I was really annoyed with his behaviour but I decided to be quiet because he was hurling abuse. He said something to me and I told him that he would never be happy if he kept acting like this.”

“At that point, he came over grabbed my neck and threatened me. I was very scared and got my mobile to call the police but he tried to aggressively take it from my hand, I put up a fight and then the phone broke.”

The mother reported the case to the police however she was convinced by her family members and her lawyer that if there’s any chance of reconciliation she should drop the case. So, she decided to drop the charges and her son got a warning.

“I grew up with an abusive father. He used to lose his temper and resort to hitting, beating and violently shouting at my mum, my younger sister and myself. Whenever he was in this state he would just see red and pick on anything to belittle, bully and vent. When I was little, this happened often. My sister and I would hide, then go to school the next day like nothing ever happened,” a woman in her late twenties to early thirties recounted.

“Physical, verbal and emotional. I was abused since I was a toddler,” a girl under the age of 16 wrote about her father.

“Severe life-threatening physical abuse with the use of arms and severe emotional abuse from the age of 10 till 15. At 16, the physical abuse reduced after I got to spend the majority of my time outdoors. However the emotional abuse still remains. From the age of 15, I spoke to the authorities and kept seeking help from different individuals. Nothing happened. I have now left but my perpetrator still haunts me,” a woman wrote of her mother.

Another woman’s story highlights the extreme long-term effects of not just physical, but even emotional abuse.

“My father is 34 years older than me. The earliest psychological abuse I remember was at 4 years old, in the form of a joke. As I grew older it became worse. He used to tell me very frequently that I am good for nothing and not good to be with other people. He used to have fits of rage for very minor things. Instead of teaching me how/why behaviour needs to be he used to hit me with the belt every weekend, call me names and insult me every time he could.”

“One of the smallest incidents was when I was in Form 1 and had a school project to finish. He wanted to go out to Valletta and due to this project, I opted not to go with him. He became very angry and told me that for this he would not pick up my school blazer. He came back without it and my mum had to call the shop to wait for her.”

“Other common incidents were threats to kick me out of the house, death threats, threatening to disfigure my face so no one would date me. The psychological abuse that I was not good for anything or not good to be with people continued throughout,” she continued.

“I had severe depression and after my degree I did not believe in myself for 13 years, ending up in low-paying jobs and reducing my life opportunities such as being able to raise a child due to low income. Self-doubt haunted me and I had to be very strong to keep myself functioning. It is only after 13 years that I am about to have a better opportunity. I still avoid the town where he lives, for fear of bumping into him and this makes me sad as it is the town I grew up in.”

While men also suffer from domestic abuse, it is important to note that national statistics indicate that over 75% of users of domestic violence services are women.

These are just some of the responses received in Lovin Malta’s recent survey. Many men also detailed the pain they endured as a result of parental alienation, an article on this will follow.

If you are suffering through domestic abuse, call Victim Support Malta at +356 2122 8333 or email them at [email protected].