7 Tragic Predictions For The Future Of Coconut Grove

Because this is who we are now

Coconut New

In cased you missed the news, the last remnant of Malta's rocker phase is about to close down forever. Coconut Grove in Paceville is officially shutting its doors. It's not yet clear what will replace the iconic establishment. But we all know it's basically going to be one of these seven options, so we might as well brace ourselves from now.

1. Hugo's Brazilian/Vietnamese fusion

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Coconut Grove might be the last remaining establishment in Paceville that does not belong to Hugo Chetcuti. But if the St George's side of Paceville is anything to go by, it's only a matter of time before it also gets sucked into the empire of darkness. Patrons can look forward to being served on shaking beds while being served totally authentic Brazilian/Vietnamese fusion. 

2. A real estate agency that takes fishy to a whole new level

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Instead of competing for precious space, the Fish Lounge and any one of Malta's 7,543 real estate agencies can join forces to create a truly fishy property-hunting experience. Take off your shoes, sit down, place your feet into an aquarium of fungus-eating fish and relax as you're told all about the toe-curling prices on offer for a shitty two-bedroom flat round the corner.

3. Posh Maqrut, the artisanal Maltese delicacy hipster fusion gelateria 

Mqaret

Source: A Maltese Mouthful

Hobz tal-Malti ice cream? Posh pastizzi? This outlet will bring together lots of Malta's latest fads under one roof, giving special attention to the gourmet imqaret. Expect a radio ad that goes: "Who is Posh Maqrut? Posh Maqrut is you." No it's not.

4. Storage space for a crane

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Photo: Andre Cutajar 

This one's not too bad. After all, it would be nice for cranes to actually start encroaching on actual buildings rather than just our roads and pavements. There's bound to be a hotel nearby that's upping its room count just because everyone else is doing it. 

5. Strip poker karaoke terrace 

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We know what you're thinking. This is going to be another one of those cheap Gentleman's Clubs which have already taken over all the rest of Paceville. Wrong. This is a new concept specifically targeting those poor hard-working folk in igaming who need an elevated form of entertainment to ease their troubled minds and lighten their wallets. Introducing strip poker karaoke by the terrace. We're not quite sure how it works but there's an entrance fee of €100 and there are dwarves involved.

6. Part convenience store, part shopping mall, part souvenir shop

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Designed to give the new Axis a run for its money, this unique establishment will house a high-end fashion shopping mall overlooking a convenience shop that actually remains open till the early hours of Sunday morning. Also combining a cute souvenir shop for those authentic MALTA bags like they have in Barcelona.

7. Tattoo cum photo booth

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Perfect for a lads holiday. Get plastered in Paceville, tattoo your asses with one of your mate's mother's names and choose your very own Malta filter at the photo booth before uploading directly to Instagram. At least one of your mothers might be proud.

Who are we kidding? It's got to be: Fletsijiet

Perched atop an iconic street in Malta's most central food and entertainment district, this block of luxury finished three-bedroom apartments enjoy sea (of people) views and nearby amenities (especially for those late and lonely nights). All steeped in the rich history of what once Malta's vibrant rock scene.

Will you miss Coconut Grove? You might want to attend the closing party later this month. And don't forget to send us your snaps. 

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Goat Writer

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