When you think about it, it’s actually amazing how many great films were shot in Malta. That’s all well and good, but no amount of Gladiators or Captain Phillips(es?) is going to come close to some of the biggest and most classic blockbusters of our time. So what if those weren’t just shot in Malta, but were actually in Maltese, tackling the plots with a local twist? What with our brutal honesty and extreme bluntness, we’re pretty sure that Maltese posters and movie titles would probably look very different:

1. Fejn iż-Żobb Hu Ibni?

Original: Finding Nemo

Do you think a grieving Maltese fish that’s lost his son is going to be calm and polite about this? Think again. “Dak mingħalih xi clown ta'”, after all!

2. Harry Mażun u l-Okkult li Jweġġa l-Mulej

Original: Harry Potter

Another clear case of our (sometimes hardcore medieval) Christianity getting in the way of some good clean fun. Remember back in 2001 when we were urged to not watch Harry Potter because it was basically a satanic series? Yeah, we’ll never forget.

Harry Mażun is a young boy who learns on his eleventh birthday that he has the power of Lucifer, and goes on an adventure to discover what that means in the first of the series: L-Okkult li Jweġġa l-Mulej.

3. Farfettu

Original: Batman

One of the few cases on this list where we thought a direct translation (or as close to that as possible) would actually be better. Short, concise… and who wouldn’t be scared of a guy in a full leather outfit in the middle of a summer heatwave who comes up to you and whispers, “Jien Farfettu”?

4. Il-Mara Ħażina

Original: The Exorcist 

Many famous Hollywood movies capitalise on the country’s history and culture, so why not do the same? A great nod to the 2010 viral video that has half as many views as we have people living in the country, the film tells the story of a simple bus ride that goes very wrong.

5. Ħalib Frisk

Original: Clockwork Orange

You see, no matter what you think the most important recurring theme of Stanley Kubrick’s classic was, you’re wrong. It was the milk. And with Benna’s fresh milk in their system, we’re willing to bet that Alex and his Droogs would’ve committed far worse things.

6. I.I. (Immigrant Illegali)

Original: E.T. (Extra Terrestrial)

The original (*cough* inferior *cough*) film has this as its tagline: “He is afraid. He is totally alone. He is 3,000,000 light years from home.” So yeah, that’s decided then.

7. L-Alla taċ-Ċrieket

Original: The Lord of the Rings

No significant plot or name change required here – that is objectively a better title and you know it.

8. MV Armada Mediterrana (aka The LNG Tanker)

Original: Titanic

Fine, the title’s a little bit more of a mouthful. But imagine how more magical of a love story Jack and Rose’s would’ve been if it were set on the newly-arrived LNG tanker, just mere moments before it meets its demise in a mushroom cloud that will apparently engulf the entire country.

9. Il-Falda Tikolha Ukoll?

Original: The Silence of the Lambs

Finally, a film about cannibalism that tackles the more important issues that no one ever talks about. Just when do you stop when you’re eating a fellow human? 

10. ER DAJ-2

Let’s face it – the characters in Star Wars don’t “run into sticky predicaments”. They just constantly get royally fucked.

People die left, right and centre, limbs are frequently lightsabered off, and protagonists mistakenly fall for their sisters (we’re already in relatable grounds). Might as well just call it what it is and make R2D2 the protagonist. All we’d need is an interesting rename.

11. Skarfejs (starring Hugo)

Original: Scarface 

No explanation needed; this just seems like a match made in heaven.

12. XEDAQ

Original: JAWS

Again, this is just amazing to see being directly translated. This time though, a simple language change loses all possible effect. Oh Maltese.

13. Montekristo Park

Original: Jurassic Park

“You don’t know man! You’ve just been to the visitors’ area. I sneaked into the inner labs last night. Screw tigers bro, those guys are growing dinosaurs in there!”

Which film would you actually watch? Tag your friends and see if you can come up with more!

READ NEXT: 9 Reasons The Maltese Are Basically Hobbits

David Grech Urpani

Lovin Malta's Head of Content, Dave has been in journalism for the better half of the last decade. Prefers Instagram, but has been known to doomscroll on TikTok. Loves chicken, women's clothes and Kanye West (most of the time).