If the word muggle means nothing to you or you think the word Alohomora is ‘Hello’ in Spanish, kindly move on to the next article. Otherwise… welcome nerds, welcome!
Harry Potter haters snub the wizarding world as being childish and fictional. What they don’t realise is that, like it or not, they too grew up with these characters. Or at the very least, the Maltese muggle equivalent.
1. The Malfoys
With names as menacing as Draco, Lucius and Brutus, it comes as no surprise that this wealthy, pure-blood supremacist wizarding family gained a reputation for allying themselves with the dark lord himself. The Malfoys dabbled in dark magic, expanded their large estate and financed elections for the post of Minister of Magic, thus yielding power over those around them.
Sounds familiar? That’s because it is! Knowing the right people gets you far here in terms of acquiring land, drug-dealing, building an empire and in a nutshell, being a royal douchebag.
2. The Dursleys
With a name like Dudley you’re unlikely to be the sharpest crayon in the box, but nothing is stopping you from thinking you are! Both inside and outside the wizarding world, they’re most likely your neighbours; with their immaculate houses (and pavements), life is about having a job, going to mass and keeping up appearances.
The Dursleys overfeed their kids (‘Kul ħa tikber!‘) and use food as a reward for good behaviour in their quest to control their out-of-control brats in public (‘Jekk toqgħod good boy, nixtrilek ġelat.’)
Behind closed doors however, it’s a bit more ‘Jekk tgħid oħra ħa nsakrek fil-cupbort taħt it-taraġ!’
The Dementors – to be avoided at all costs. Originally employed as the guards of Azkaban prison, they are creatures that suck the life and happiness right out of you.
You’ll be hard pressed to not have one of these in your life. They’re your ex. Mother-in-law. The person sitting right next to you on the bus who hasn’t stopped grumbling since the moment she sat her ass down.
‘Il-ħanżira xi sħana. Nofs siegħa nistenna! X’ma neqridx! Tal-mistħija dal-pajjiż.’
4. The Hagrids
Neither the most eloquent nor the most groomed, the Hagrids are good souls. What they lack in formal education, they make up for in knowledge of the earth and animals. The Hagrid you know probably says ‘petlor’ instead of ‘petrol’ and carries a bird in a cage on his shoulder. He may or may not hang out at the Klabb tal-Boċċi. And he’s probably the friendliest guy around!
5. The Professor Snapes
That teacher everyone was scared shitless of for five years. Everyone. Professor Snape teaches potions at Hogwarts, but the one you know most likely teaches maths, physics or chemistry. Because life’s too short for non-logic. As long as you stuck to breathing in his class, and handing in work on time, you should have been fine…
6. The Professor Trelawneys
Professor Sybill Trelawney is a half-blood and a seer. However, you don’t need to have met a divination teacher to have known a Trelawney. The one you know is likely a slightly awkward, hippie-dressing, batshit crazy teacher you added on Facebook after you left sixth form, and found out she’s a Spirit Science subscriber. Tea-reading optional.
7. The Cedric Diggorys
Captain of the Quidditch team and participant in the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric may as well have been a waterpolo player man-Neptunes.
8. The Weasleys
The epitome of all that is cute and good in the wizarding world, the humble Weasley family who takes Harry under its wing, despite already struggling to make ends meet with its seven children.
The lovable and giving Maltese family donates a portion of their earnings to L-Istrina every boxing day, without fail (probably while yelling at their kids for eating the last slice of bread at home). They magically cram seven kids and three dogs into the two-bedroom apartment they inherited from nanna.
9. The Gilderoy Lockharts
The pompous pricks of Malta, generally found in real estate or law (yeah, I said it.) The Gilderoy Lockharts display symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder; namely vanity, feelings of grandeur and a need for admiration. This may come in the form of posting photos of expensive bottles of champagne and cigars at Hugo’s that nobody bar their annoying inner circle cares about.
In case none of these ring a bell, a ten-minute stroll down Republic Street… that should trigger something.