5 Ways Your Maltese Family Is Sending You to an Early Grave

Till death do us part...not long now

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1. They’re overfeeding you

You’ve heard it before. Either that, or you haven’t got the hang of this Interwebs business yet. Malta has the highest obesity rate in the EU and third highest in Europe overall. And why is that? Well, it must at least partly be because of nanna’s lasagne. And the rest is probably due to her torta tal-ħelwa tat-Tork.

Food Glorious Food

2. They’re stressing you out 

Cousin Frank is in jail again for beating up his boss. And Sharona, your niece, is pregnant at age 17 and nobody is really sure who the dad is, especially since she claims she’s a virgin. Her two-year old son is too young to object to that. Ziju Grezz wants you to fund his internet shoe-shining business, and he’s blood so it’s difficult to say no. All this stress doesn’t mix well with your high cholesterol, which is brought about by nanna’s lasagne (mainly).


3. They don’t get the concept of personal space

Family lunches always end with you feeling like your throat has been vigorously rubbed against a porcupine. This is because 70% of your relatives smoke, and 100% of these do it within 40 centimetres of your lungs. “U ejja, kemm ġej b’nejk!” is the standard response to your polite request for them to allow you a few inches of breathing space. This modus operandi also applies when someone is sick. You’re almost certain that you got that horrible rash from sitting very close to Great Uncle Żepp after his “fishing trip” to Ukraine. You can’t be certain of the details though, since he passed away a week later.

Gandalf The Best

4. Genetics

It’s a known fact that certain diseases are more prevalent in close-knit (read inbred) communities. So it’s no coincidence that 4 of your immediate family popped their clogs from the same weird genetic disorder. Chances are that if you had yourself checked out, you’d be planning your funeral too…but you’re not going to do anything that stupid, are you?


5. They may literally kill you

Unless you’re some type of mobster, chances are that you won’t get murdered. If you are unlucky enough to do so, however, the probability is that you’ll be knocked off by someone you know. And who do you know most? That’s right, your family. You get bonus points if any of them have actually “taken care” of someone else in the past.

Picard Postal

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