Everyone deserves a gift at Christmas, even politicians, no matter how naughty or nice they were. But politicians are a bit different – they are so strung up throughout the year, you have to make sure you give them a gift worthy of their time, that will really add value to their lives.

These are some such gifts.

1. Edward Zammit Lewis – Celine Dion Box Set

2017 will be the year when we all realised that politicians could be people too – they love, oh, how they love, and there’s no better way for them to show their love than via the vehicle of Celine Dion lyrics.

If Edward got busy with just one Celine Dion song, imagine what he could do with her greatest hits box set. Joseph Muscat would probably stay on for like, another 5 terms.

2. Adrian Delia – A tax return

A single tax return would be fine, really, at this point. Multiple years’ tax returns would be great, but we will take what we can. 

3. Edwin Vassallo – Stress ball/blowjob

Lord knows he needs either one.

4. Konrad Mizzi – A Survivor t-shirt

The once-beleaguered Minister seems to have weathered the storm and is now moving to make Air Malta profitable. He’s even kept his hair.

5. Miriam Dalli and Julia Farrugia Portelli – Vouchers for Charles and Ron

Kinda weird to give a dual Secret Santa, but seeing as these two have been seen wearing the same dress before, a voucher for some different and funky clothes for their next big day out wouldn’t go amiss.

6. David Casa – Honorary membership to the Patrijotti Maltin

Not because he is a racist (he isn’t, AFAIK), but because he clearly loves his country so much.

7. Marlene Farrugia – Two Xanax and two cymbals

Someone please, give her a chill pill and an instrument of percussion and let her loose. 

8. Beppe Fenech Adami – The Dead Sea Scrolls

You thought quoting the Bible was legit? Wait till next year’s parliamentary sitting. 

9. Simon Busuttil – A cruise around the Caribbean

Let’s face it, the former Leader of the Opposition has had a very stressful year of protests, marches, and shouting “Barra!”

What he’d really like is some time off, hopefully far away from this island. 

Just be careful not to book a cruise which ends up in Panama all over again.

10. Marie Louise Coleiro Preca – A history of Halloween book

The President’s husband, Edgar, recently warned the nation about the perils of letting Halloween into our lives. Let us help him realise the pagan and capitalist roots of the holid… oh, wait, that’s what he meant. Shit.

11. Joseph Muscat – Erbgħin Elf Christmas Sweater

What else do you get for the man who has everything?

What other secret Santa ideas do you have for Maltese politicians?

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]