National Statistics That Explain Malta's Porn Habits

Do our mummy issues run much deeper than we think?

Lovin Cover

As we reported last week, pornography giants (you'll see why this is actually a stellar pun soon) Pornhub have published their annual in-depth look at their viewers' statistics.

Malta's porn searches for 2016 make for some very interesting reading, but when placed side to side with our national statistics, everything becomes a little bit clearer.

1. 'MILF' vs Maltese boys never moving out

2016's second most-searched phrase by Maltese users was unsurprisingly, but rather disturbingly, 'MILF' (losing the number one spot to our thirst for local 'Malta' porn).

But consider this: according to Eurostat's data, more than half of Malta's men (58% as of 2015) aged 25-35 still live with their parents. And we are notoriously momma's boys.

Do you even Oedipus, bro?

Jared Leto

2. 'Giantess' vs Maltese men's height

You read that right. Giantess porn is very much a thing. And it's a thing people in Malta like more than anywhere else. It's our third most-searched term and proportionately, visitors from Malta were the ones who sought giantesses getting it on more than anywhere else in the world.

But consider this: even if it is true that we've shot up 11cm since the 1800s, we're still 4cm shorter than the European average. This giantess hunt may be an inferiority complex combined with a need for realistic viewing.

Whoever is searching for Giantess porn, please stop and give us a more respectable niche.

Skyrim

3. 'Vore' vs Malta's obesity problem

According to Urban Dictionary vore is a type of porn that fantasies the idea of being swallowed whole. This is (apparently) not to be confused with cannibalism - cos that would just be weird. This is the fourth most popular search among Maltese porn perusers.

From the limited 'trying-to-cover-my-eyes-and-peek-through' research we carried out, vore porn involves actors eating gummy people and swallowing tiny plastic models. Perfectly standard behavior.

But consider this: according to researchers, more than a quarter of all Maltese adults are obese. It doesn't take much brain-power to assume our love for food can spill over into many different sectors of our daily life. Yes - daily.

Poor Playmobil men.

Snake

4. Women make up 1/3 of viewers vs Equality

That's right, everyone who thinks women don't watch porn is completely wrong. The global average shows that a quarter (or 26% to be specific) of all porn-watchers a female. But here in Malta the number shoots up to 33%.

But consider this: Malta has been making a bit more of an effort towards achieving true gender equality, and having more women watching porn probably reflects a society which is gradually growing to be a lot less taboo about sexuality.

We won't stop till it's 50-50.

Snaps

Tag a friend you suspect contributed heavily to these statistics.

READ NEXT: Gay Porn GIFs That Perfectly Summarise Life In Malta

Written By

Chucky Bartolo

If there's no Mariah Carey GIF or reference to Eurovision in this article, just assume they've been edited out against my will.

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